What Am I Going to do Better

Every night I ask myself 

"what am I going to do better tomorrow" 

and every morning I ask

 "what was the good in yesterday". 

I haven't been sleeping well, I feel like everyone wants to argue with me and very few people are listening to actually listen,

 not just respond.

 I hit a brick wall a few days ago, I hit my boiling point and I went back to my dark place. 

My dark place makes me seem like I'm cold, don't care and

 just am a space holder in the world rather than 

taking up and owning my space and taking up all that space.

Since I've been in my dark place, things seem to just keep hitting harder. I take things more to heart, I feel worse about myself and am insanely self-aware of how annoying I am. 

I start to wonder... 

how do I have friends?

Is this why no one reaches out to me?

Why would anyone want to be around me? 

But last night, a little boy, who has had my heart from the day we met, had to tell me he loves me before he went to sleep and today a different little boy, who has reminded me that patience and understanding are essential, told me that I was beautiful. 

So my change for tomorrow is to see myself through those kids eyes

 and my good today was how pure children are.

Until I see myself how children do;

Not Everyone Has the Same Heart

One thing that is really hard with being a highly sensitive person, is understanding other people who are "normal"... because to me, they are less "normal" than myself. 

With this, I get my feelings hurt, get disappointed and get let down pretty often because I feel like I go above and beyond for people in my life and when that isn't reciprocated

it really hurts.

One day I was talking to my counselor about this and she told me

"don't expect yourself out of other"

I was upset at this at first because I happily encourage everyone to embrace their individuality, but then it clicked. I do wonder, if I'm willing to do all of this for someone, why doesn't it even cross their mind to do it for me? and there it is. It's because they aren't me. They don't have my heart, compassion, empathy and consideration. 

This has been something that I've really had to work on, and honestly, I still don't understand it and it still really hurts and upsets me when the situations arise. Consideration is something I was taught really young. If you're the first person awake, you try to be as quiet as you can be as to not wake everyone else in the house, if you're cooking food you make enough to share... if someone's using something, you wait your turn. 

With this, I always offer up my time to others. I'll go out of my way to take everyone else into consideration. Such as, I text my neighbor every time I leave my house, asking if her and her husband need anything. Every time I bake, I leave some on her doorstep and text her letting her know its there. If I'm getting food, I talk to everyone in my household to see if they want anything. I don't ask for money, I don't ask for help... and I never ask for it as an IOU but yet...

it still hurts when it isn't reciprocated. 

I'm not sure this will be something I ever learn to be okay with, honestly. I think even if I get better at hiding the hurt, its still going to hurt because I know what I do for others and for them to not have that same consideration towards me tells me that I don't mean as much to them. 

I don't have the same heart as others, mine is huge and is plastered right there on my sleeve. It gets easily trampled and yet I keep putting it back together and putting it back on my sleeve just hoping that each time is going to be different. I'll always do this, it's who I am. I just need to remember....

not everyone has the same heart.

 

Until next time;

I'm Not Looking For Answers

For me, personally, the absolute worst part about anxiety isn't the panic attacks, the fear, the doubt or anything about the anxiety itself.

You learn to live, deal and cope with all of that.

No, the worst part about anxiety is that people tell you to reach out when you're having a hard time, and then when you reach out and all you need is someone to talk to...

they try to fix it

they try to give you answers

they try to end the anxiety

sometimes all that is needed is someone to talk to about a different subject other than what's making me anxious. Sometimes all I want is for someone to listen while I vent. Sometimes I'm just reaching out so that someone in my world knows I'm not doing okay. 

I don't need fixed

I don't need answers

I have my anxiety and it isn't going anywhere.

I don't need someone trying to figure me, my panic attacks or my anxiety out. I have gone to counselors, and I first went to a psychologist when I was 12 years old and then again 

to the same psychologist

at 21 years old after I developed my Acute Stress Disorder. I know my anxiety very well. I have worked very hard on how to live with it in my daily life. I know how to manage it and I know what to do when I have my panic attacks. I know what works for me. I am not reaching out for someone to try and take it all away. I am reaching out to have someone to talk to because

the worst feeling is 

feeling alone when coming out of a panic attack.

There is nothing like becoming grounded again, looking around and realizing there is no one...

So, first thing I usually do is grab my phone and I text the last person I was talking to. Sometimes, if I know them well enough, I'll tell them I had a panic attack. I have only met one person who doesn't instantly try to fix it in some way and I absolutely hate it. 

It's been a hard day;

Self Esteem

Alright, here's a fun topic!

Self esteem...

There's so many e's!

This is a topic that I think everyone relates to since we all have something we would change - whether we admit it or not. From appearance to our laughs, there is something that we are self conscious about and that's only natural. I am definitely  not here to tell you to not be because I know it isn't that easy at all. 

For me, it's my stomach. I am not overweight by any means, nor would I consider myself "chubby" but I am a dancer, and while I haven't danced like I used to in many years, I've lost a lot of my muscle definition and I absolutely hate it. 

I have very strange outlook on my body due to my years in dance, I was too tall, my stomach wasn't flat enough but in the same day I'd also get told to embrace my height and long legs and got sent to a nutritionist because I looked like I wasn't eating. 

Yeah, no wonder why I have issues, right?

Now, here is how my self esteem and my mental health tie together.

The other thing that I'm super self conscious about is that I am incredibly clingy and attached. I like socializing, especially with people I love and care about, I like having their attention and even more, I like giving them mine. 

When that doesn't happen, my mind starts telling me that they don't care, I drove them away, I'm annoying, I'm too clingy... and worse yet, I'm destined to be alone. 

Getting those thoughts it stop is really difficult for me and I don't want to beg for attention, because it's not the attention that I want its the simple feeling of having a connection and feeling like I matter to someone. 

Usually I get to socialize at work, with being a preschool teacher, I'm best friends with a lot of toddlers and I absolutely love it. I come home feeling fulfilled and can continue the rest of my day and weekend independently. 

Guess what though, I'm not currently working

and wont be until August...

that's quarantine baby...

thanks Covid....

so I've been greatly struggling with filling my social meter and its really taking its toll. I want to talk to people and feel like I matter to them, I want to know I'm important. But, everyone has their lives and I know that and support that, I can't text while I work either but on my off time I am sure to answer all my messages and phone calls because people are important to me, my friends, loved ones and classmates are important to me. That's where I struggle, many people have hobbies they do in their down time that are important to them: cars, motorcycles, gaming, RPG and I get it... I truly do. Just takes a hit to my self esteem when I feel like everything comes before me to everyone I talk to...

This is something I am working on. This isn't an upbeat or emotional post, this isn't meant to motivate or make someone feel bad. Just maybe, look at your own life and figure out... is it things, task and chores that are more important or is it people? Because, the things, tasks and chores can usually wait... sometimes, the people need you now.  

Until I have something else to say;

Here's to the Good Days

Hey there,
so, I was noticing that this all was getting a little dark rather fast and that's because its easier to talk about the bad than the good...

funny how the brain works like that.

And by funny, I mean in the most annoyed way possible.

But here is a good day. 

I woke up feeling sick to my stomach because of all the negativity, stress and anxiety I was letting myself feel recently. I cuddled with my dogs for a little bit and watched a few TikTok videos.

No shame!

And a friend text me, just checking in. The text told me to go on a hike - not in a "take a hike" type of way, but more in a "go outside, get some sun" kind of a way. Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I'm not much of a hiking person. I'll do it maaaaaybe once a year, and I'm definitely more open to it if I'm not going alone.

 And, I already got my solo hike in for this year, so yeah...

 hiking wasn't going to happen.

But, I knew I had a few errands that I wanted to run, so I got up, got dressed, did my hair and make up....

then laid back down in bed because depression is exhausting.

Even with feeling better today, I had been sitting with my depression for so many days that my body just had no energy. I knew I had to get up and go. So, I got up and went.

I ran to Walmart to get fixing for dinner (spaghetti, the feel good food for Italians), got some potting soil and decided to look in the craft area for a few other things I have going on around the house. I didn't find what I was looking for, but I did find some pretty blue, sparkly fabric scissors!

I make wreaths as a side business to my day job as a teacher, I've been needing fabric scissors but keep forgetting. These sparkly ones were SCREAMING my name.

Now, here is the benefit to this 6-feet away rule:

With my anxiety, I hate hate hate going places alone. I do it because I know I have to, but usually if I do, I will plug in my earbuds and listen to my music. When I do this, I sometimes get annoyed glances directed at me, and hear comments about how rude I am due to "not being able to hear"

(which, I can. I never have my music up THAT high)

Mind you, I make sure I'm always aware of my surroundings, I still say "pardon me" when walking by someone. I don't act any different other than the fact that I faintly have my own music playing so that I am a little more calm. I am not ignoring anyone who talks to me, and if someone does talk to me, I take at least one earbud out for the conversation. So, the comments aren't coming from anything other than the fact that I am wearing my earbuds.

But with the 6-feet away thing, no one seems to think twice about me listening to my music. 

Not that they should care anyway...

Then I went through self check out

 (I even remembered my own bag, because I'm sometimes good at being an Oregonian!)

and started heading back towards my car. Now, since I was listening to my music, enjoying the sun and semi-zoning out... I pushed my cart really hard and hopped on 

ya know, like you do when you're younger and you ride on the back while holding the bar to see how far you get with just a single push while your guardian is putting the receipt away and looking for the keys to the car

once I realized what I had just done, and realized I had made it most of the way to my car with one push, I looked around and saw two employees, an elderly gentleman and a guy probably around my age smiling and laughing (more than likely) at me. 

Normally, that would have made me self conscious

did my pants rip? Is there an embarrassing stain? Is my shirt see though? Is my underwear/booty showing?

But today, I was just happy I could make someone smile during all the craziness that is going on in the world. 

I, then, treated myself to a blended coffee and headed home. This was all before 11am!

So, why did I walk you through my day today? 

Because, I'm happy today. I see my own worth today. I see the importance in my friends today. I see my beauty today.

I see clear today.

When you live with depression, your head gets really foggy. Its like looking through a fogged up window. You can see, but not clearly. You know there is light coming through, but you can't feel its warmth. You want to be happy, you want the warmth, you want things to be clear and try as you might... depression sometimes wins. 

Now here's the thing:

That's okay.

Yeah, I said it. It's okay to let the depression or anxiety win sometimes. Sometimes your body needs to feel the bad to appreciate the good more, to feel the warmth in all its glory and to notice the beauty in even the smallest thing. The important thing is to not live in your depression and/or anxiety. Let them have a day or a few, then take it back from them.

Today, the beauty I saw was the flowers i keep in my window. They were what encouraged me to get up today: I looked towards my window to my flowers I bought and noticed they were looking a little droopy and almost out of water. So, I took them downstairs, trimmed the stems, cleaned my mason jar, put fresh flower food in and rearranged them before taking them back upstairs to go back into my window. 

Today is a good day. They aren't all good days, but good days will always come. 

Here's to the good days;

Self Destruct

****** Trigger warning******* 

This blog does talk about my self harm and suicidal thoughts/attempt. Please keep yourself safe, happy and healthy. If this is something that is too hard to read, but you would like to know, feel free to reach out and I will talk with you about it in a less abrasive manner. 

Alright, so here is one of the more personal posts that I was talking about...

I knew it would have to come up sooner or later

For the last few days my depression has really been beating me up and I've felt like crying for the last 3 days, I have barely slept

in fact I didn't sleep last night

 and space out a lot. And, so my brain starts, what I call, self destructing and thinking about things that aren't necessarily true or aren't as bad as my brain makes them out to be. 

This has happened to me for many years, so I'm not sure if its a depression thing or a hypersensitivity thing since it started before I got my acute stress disorder. 

I have learned over the years different coping mechanisms, such as last night when my brain flipped, I cut my hair... sometimes I dye it, sometimes I schedule a tattoo appointment or I go shopping for clothes/shoes that I definitely do not need. 

Now here is where we're going to get personal...

I wasn't (and still have some struggles) good at coping with finding non-destructive ways. I used to self harm and I used to have many different suicidal thoughts... such as taking a mix of medications and not really caring what they were or what the side effects would be.
I first started self harming my sophomore year in high school. I would cut on my legs since I didn't wear shorts

I'm far too pale for shorts... I glow in the dark, I swear

and therefore no one would see. I didn't want to be accused for doing it for attention because I did it because it was one thing I could control. A lot happened in my sophomore year. I lost a lot of people I cared about, there was so much death... so many heart breaks and so many fights. I couldn't control any of it, but I could control the knife. And therefore it became a release, not the most healthy of one but it kept me from freaking out worse.

Junior and Senior year started to be better, though I still had relapses towards self harm when things were too far out of control for me to handle it. 

Junior year was the first year I had suicidal thoughts, though I didn't act on it. I had thought about how much better people's lives would be without me. How difficult I am to have around. All of it...

College came around and I started doing so much better. I hadn't even thought about self harm and my suicidal thoughts had seemed to disappear. I was happy and it was fantastic. I smiled daily, I was healthy, I ate, I made new friends...

Then my biggest life altering experience to that point happened. 

I was a dance major in Nevada... originally from Oregon, so I was states away from my family... from "home".... 

I hurt my ankle and it felt wrong. I went and saw a doctor, without even touching me she said "oh well, its tendinitis". I knew she was wrong. I have loose ligaments and have been a dancer since I was three... I knew what tendinitis was. I was trying to take it easy in my dance classes to see if my ankle would feel better but one of my teachers said it was good I was sitting the day out because I probably couldn't do the routine anyway. I got up, danced and felt  that snapping and instantly fell to my knees. 

It wasn't tendinitis. I had small tears in my ligaments, muscles and had angered my tendons. My ankle was telling me to stop, not that I had tendinitis. The snap I felt... was all of it tearing. I went to a specialist, and he told me I probably wouldn't walk normal for the rest of my life, and chances of me dancing were gone. 

I went back to my dorm that night, my roommate was gone for the weekend... I grabbed alcohol from a friend, and went and took a handful of who knows what.... what did it matter anymore? My dreams were gone and I might never dance again. I passed out. I woke up with the worst headache I had ever had, and a friend of mine staring at me. How he had gotten into my dorm, I have no idea. 

I moved back to Oregon because I couldn't stay at the dorms unless I was a full time student, I had a boot on my ankle so walking across campus for classes wasn't that easy. I had a few self harm incidents while I lived in Eugene, but I swore to myself I'd never let it get as far as I did in Nevada. 

When I moved back to my hometown, I was doing better again. I was happy... and then I wasn't... 

I have been a year and 6 months clean from self harm, and I haven't fully attempted since Nevada which was 10 years ago now. The hard part is that my brain still goes there though - I still find myself wanting to and going through the motions. My brain tells me awful things and it makes me feel a huge loss of control... and so having that control back seems like an easy fix. But instead of creating more scars, I cut my hair, I dye my hair, I bake... 

there are healthy ways to have that control, I promise. 

I know I'm not alone in this, I have many friends and a huge group of people who have gone down this route... so please, I know I have at least one dedicated reader thus far... if you're on this path... please know you're not alone, I'm here always. 

I wish I had listened to that back in 2010... but I'm glad I do now. I dance. I teach dance. I walk normal. Sometimes my ankle hurts, but its rare. I work through it. I found the path of psychology and it is something I'm naturally good at. Its where I'm supposed to be. My injury nearly killed me, but it was for a reason. I wasn't meant to be a dancer in the sense for what I was working towards. Dance is my love, passion and an amazing release, but I would have lost that passion once it became work. So, know that whatever you're going through is for a reason, live long enough to find out what that reason is.

Thanks for listening, you guys. This is all something I don't really talk about, and don't admit to many but figured I could put it out there so that if I reference anything later, it makes sense.

For now;

Harder Day

Today

and well... yesterday....

has been a harder day for me. I have so much that is causing my anxiety to heighten and I can't do what I normally do to make my anxiety stop

yay stay at home order taking mental health into consideration......

so I feel like I'm trapped in my anxiety which causes my depression to skyrocket.

 Bleh.

See, the hard part about having Acute Stress Disorder side by side with being an HSP is the fact that I know I would feel better if I were to just vent and talk to someone about everything that is in my head, but then my hypersensitivity tells me:

• they don't care
• they're not listening
• you're being annoying
• you're being needy
• you're being clingy

and then those thoughts cause my anxiety to heighten even more. 

My life is just full of vicious circles due to my mental health.

Worse part, I turn my attention to them. I start asking questions about them, their day, how they are doing and instead of letting myself vent and feel better, I listen because them feeling better is more important to me. I don't hate this part about myself because I love knowing that I helped someone feel better, even if by just being a listening ear... it's just hard being the person who always listens and takes on everyone else's negativity and problems with having no one to vent to myself.

or... at least no one that notices I need to vent and gives me continued reinforcement that I'm not being a bother to them... I know, I'm part of my own problem and there are people who would listen, but as I previously said... I push people away and hate that I wait for someone to push back... showing me that I'm wanted, not annoying or being too much..

Guess that's one reason why I'm here... so hi!

I'm starting to have major issues with the social distancing that is happening, not returning to work, having different students when I do return to work, missing my dad, missing physical contact in general and then having no idea what is going on in other aspects of my life...

don't even get me started.

So, today I did nothing pretty much, and I have to remind myself that its okay to do that. All I did today was work out. I forced myself to eat, but I didn't get dressed... didn't do my make up... and stayed in bed. I'm going to say it one more time for those reading this that need to hear it:

That's okay

It's okay to sit with not being okay for a day, what isn't okay is letting it control and determine your life. With that, tomorrow I will be getting dressed and doing my make up. I will be working on my craft and most importantly, 

I will be okay and you will be too. 

I'll say it again...

You will be too.

but, for now;