Harder Day

Today

and well... yesterday....

has been a harder day for me. I have so much that is causing my anxiety to heighten and I can't do what I normally do to make my anxiety stop

yay stay at home order taking mental health into consideration......

so I feel like I'm trapped in my anxiety which causes my depression to skyrocket.

 Bleh.

See, the hard part about having Acute Stress Disorder side by side with being an HSP is the fact that I know I would feel better if I were to just vent and talk to someone about everything that is in my head, but then my hypersensitivity tells me:

• they don't care
• they're not listening
• you're being annoying
• you're being needy
• you're being clingy

and then those thoughts cause my anxiety to heighten even more. 

My life is just full of vicious circles due to my mental health.

Worse part, I turn my attention to them. I start asking questions about them, their day, how they are doing and instead of letting myself vent and feel better, I listen because them feeling better is more important to me. I don't hate this part about myself because I love knowing that I helped someone feel better, even if by just being a listening ear... it's just hard being the person who always listens and takes on everyone else's negativity and problems with having no one to vent to myself.

or... at least no one that notices I need to vent and gives me continued reinforcement that I'm not being a bother to them... I know, I'm part of my own problem and there are people who would listen, but as I previously said... I push people away and hate that I wait for someone to push back... showing me that I'm wanted, not annoying or being too much..

Guess that's one reason why I'm here... so hi!

I'm starting to have major issues with the social distancing that is happening, not returning to work, having different students when I do return to work, missing my dad, missing physical contact in general and then having no idea what is going on in other aspects of my life...

don't even get me started.

So, today I did nothing pretty much, and I have to remind myself that its okay to do that. All I did today was work out. I forced myself to eat, but I didn't get dressed... didn't do my make up... and stayed in bed. I'm going to say it one more time for those reading this that need to hear it:

That's okay

It's okay to sit with not being okay for a day, what isn't okay is letting it control and determine your life. With that, tomorrow I will be getting dressed and doing my make up. I will be working on my craft and most importantly, 

I will be okay and you will be too. 

I'll say it again...

You will be too.

but, for now;