Self Critical

So here I am, at a low point and I hate it.

I hate thinking so negative, I hate pushing people away...

I hate hoping that one person will push back.

I know this isn't my normal, I know I'm a happy and optimistic person but I don't always know what brings on my episodes. 

Tonight, I'm feeling extremely self critical. 

I feel like I'm not enough, like I'll never be good enough and that I don't deserve love.

Normally, these feelings will be gone by this time tomorrow.

This "stay at home" order is really hard. I strive on contact, touch, connection and this order is making those seemingly impossible. 

So, here I am.

I couldn't tell you if this feeling comes from my Hypersensitivity or my Acute Stress Disorder,

maybe it's both....

which also makes these feelings and thoughts hard to deal with because I don't know what my body needs, what my heart needs or what my mind needs. 

So, since I don't know what I need, I've turned off all social media on my phone. I know this is probably the exact opposite of what I should be doing, or what I need but I get clingy when I'm upset and then I get scared that I'm too much or annoying. 

With that, I'd rather be on my own.

I don't want to be feeling this way, I don't want to be thinking this way. 

And that is one misconception I hear a lot, "well, just think of something else", it's not that easy. These thoughts swarm, take up all the room and look like they're not moving. I have to fight my way out, and I have yet to lose... but sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have a little help, but then I don't know what help to ask for....

So, tonight, is a bad night but I'll be okay. It's just a bad spell, and it'll get better. The sun will rise tomorrow. 

Until then;