"Let's Talk About $3X, Baby"

 ***** Disclaimer & Trigger Warning *****

This following blog is - in a roundabout way - about sex, so if you are not wanting to continue: don't. 
(Mom and dad, leave now, please)
I will also be talking about some harassment, abuse, assault, and the hated "r" word - not in detail, but there's a pretty heavy paragraph with some example. So as I have said before if you aren't wanting to read this, that's okay. Take care of yourself. If this is still a topic that you want to talk about but do not want to read this, message me/comment and we will talk privately. Thank you.

So, let's start: I will not be talking about my experiences (except for one, because I feel like it is important) and I will not be using a timeline or names. I am typing this post because I had a question sent to me about what it is like having HSP and Acute Stress Disorder when it comes to having a sex life and while I can't say if it is different than "normal" people, I can say that it can be hard, even when it is all you've known. 

I lost my virginity at 18/19 years old - while at college in Vegas because ya know... what happens there stays there? No, it is because I figured it would be a memorable thing, would help me feel better with my injury, and didn't really want to come back to Oregon still rocking the V-Card. It was a personal choice, there is nothing wrong with still holding your card, no matter your age, I just wanted to lose it to see what the big deal was.
There are different opinions on how I lost my V- Card though since it depends on each individual's definition of what counts - which is why I said 18/19. 

See before my birthday (so, when I was 18), I had a friend on campus who had never been with a girl so we figured we could be each other's first, and it really not be a big deal. We knew it was going to be terrible so, let's just get it over with. 

Well..... that proved to be a bit more difficult as he got a bit too nervous. 

So, we did just fool around and he had happened to have bought a *ehem* toy for the "special occasion" so that was used. 

Since there was penetration (bleh, hate that word), some people would consider that having been my first time. 

Kinda awkward and sucky.

Now, for actually having sex, it was after my birthday and right before I was moving back to Oregon. This will be the only person/experience I really kinda talk about since it was my "first" and I feel like it is a great example of how my HSP causes me to feel a connection and then makes it so I am unable to really let it go.

I ended up flirting with a guy who lived on my dorm floor who, I swear, every girl wanted a chance to be with.

(Let's just say I blushed and smiled anytime he and I were even in the same room. 

Eye contact? Forget about it!)

I definitely knew his name, but I was surprised he knew mine. After a night that is a story in itself, he and I exchanged numbers and in one of our conversations, I had told him that I wanted to sleep with someone from Vegas before I left - hinting, of course, while still in shock of who I was texting. Next thing I knew, we were setting something up.

(Though, after him and I hooked up... due to a mutual friend, everything got SUPER embarrassing in the days that followed. I couldn't wait to get out of the dorms. I did literally everything I could to avoid running into him before I left - including taking the stairs in my ankle book rather than taking the elevator.)

 While I'm not going to talk about what happened, I want to explain something about this experience. No, he and I were not dating. Like I said, I was shocked he even knew my name. We had only hung out maybe a handful of times before, and always with other people. I thought he was insanely attractive, and I thought I had never even caught his eye. So, why him? Because for some reason, though I barely knew him, I felt like I could still trust him with my life. There was instantly something there for some reason for me. I knew I wouldn't regret anything and that I'd be safe, and okay. Something about him made my HSP calm down, and to this day, I'm not sure I can explain it.

Now, here is why I felt like this was important:

I never let go of that connection or how calm he made me feel.

 While he and I were not together or had even dated, and I really wasn't sure if he even knew my name... there was a connection. It might have just been on my side, and I had no idea about his feeling or anything like that because I was too shy and nervous to ask. I wasn't going to tell him it had been my first time - though I'm sure he knew - and I didn't want to seem like that clingy "we slept together so now I love you" type of girl, especially since I was moving back to Oregon and what I felt at the time wasn't love. We were young, I barely knew him... how was I supposed to explain that I felt like there was something between us without there actually being anything between us?

Anyway, as I said, I never let go of that connection. I don't know if it was because he was my first or if it was something else, but since that day, I would find myself thinking of him and kind of missing him or at least missing talking to him. I would see him again when I went back to Vegas for my 21st, and from the minute I saw him until he dropped me back off at my friend's house where I was staying... I couldn't stop smiling.

So, why was it important for me to talk about this one time while I'm not really going to delve into the rest?

Because, at that time, I did not have my anxiety. I had my hypersensitivity and had just gone through a lot mentally and emotionally trying times on my own. I lost my virginity to someone I barely knew, but for some reason would have literally trusted with my entire life and that's perfectly okay. We were not in love, we weren't exactly friends and all of that was okay. But my HSP did come in to play due to the fact that even 2 years later when I saw him again, I still felt that connection. When he would text me after my 21st, because he had moved to Reno, I would feel that connection and seriously contemplate driving to Reno just to see him.  I know everyone says that they remember their first time and that the person will always have a part of you. But because of my HSP, it was more intense due to the instantaneous feelings from nothing to something while also not understanding a single lick of it. 

(Insert embarrassment here, as I suspect he is one of the people who read these every once in a while and I've never fully told him all of that... welp, there it is.) 

(If you want to skip the TW parts: skip this!)

But, moving on since the question wasn't just about my first time:

When I had moved back to Oregon, I had a few different experiences. Some were great, others were not. I had a period of time in my life where sex meant nothing but was a way to get an attractive guy's attention.

Terrible, I know. 

Definitely not my proudest moments.

It got to the point where sex meant so little to me past just getting a guy's attention that I was emotionally hurting because I felt like I wasn't good enough for anything else.

"Pretty enough to bang, not good enough for a relationship or to even introduce to mom" 

is what I would find myself saying. 

I went through a few times of being forced or persuaded into having sex, even after having said no. I had been told that if I didn't sleep with the guy I was dating, that he was going to go kill himself. I had been told that the guy was different and wasn't going to use me, but I woke up later that same week to find his relationship status updated on Facebook to "in a relationship" with someone else. I had been taken advantage of after drinking. I had someone who I thought loved me, tell me I wasn't good at certain things, that I wasn't pretty enough for certain positions and that I should just lay there since that's all I was good at. I had a guy continue after I have said "stop, it hurts". I had a guy pout because I had said: "no not tonight". I had been sexually harassed and assaulted after continuously saying no. I had been in a situation where a guy was in the process of raping me as I woke up after taking medications. I have been held down and not been given an option to say no. 

With all of that, you can imagine how my emotions were:

self-conscious, no confidence, disappointed in myself and hated myself

By this time, some of those experiences were after my diagnosis with my Acute Stress Disorder, so then my anxiety would play in of not being good enough, them not actually wanting me...

Every hurtful word I could say or think to and about myself, was playing on constant repeat in my head.

(You are now past the TW stuff)

As I got older and got more confidence in myself and in my body, I started having more positive sexual experiences.
I learned more about myself sexually, including likes, dislikes, and some kinks. I played around, researched and it made me even more confident in myself. I felt great. 

But with that, my HSP still plays a huge part and so here is a majority of my answer to the question:

With having a sex life, aftercare is incredibly important. Aftercare is the time after sex where the partners check in with one another - sometimes referred to as pillow talk - and acknowledge the other's needs. It is also a time for each person to listen to their own bodies (including emotionally and mentally) and fulfill their bodies' needs.

 Both having an aftercare ritual with your partner and having self aftercare. Emotional and mental drops are incredibly common, where your mood and mentality just plummet down and it almost feels like depression kicks in. 

These times really suck. 

They are very often talked about in a more kink community (usually referred to as sub drops or dom drops, pending the dynamic) but can happen to those who don't necessarily go through "scenes" as well - as in my case.  

With my emotional state and mentality being what it is, the time after sex is almost more important than the sex itself. My aftercare with a partner is mainly personal touch 

(cuddles, showering together, holding hands, rubbing my back, playing with my hair, fidgeting with me) and affirmation

 (not as in a "good game" type, but a reminder that I matter to the person. That they care about me/love me. Even just a "you're pretty"). 

These come from my HSP due to needing the positive reinforcement and being in an almost permanent state of being touch starved. 

My personal aftercare is usually writing, taking a bath and eating/drinking whatever my body is wanting. My personal aftercare is simply listening to my body. 

Now, not everyone experiences a drop right way - it is rare that I do, and if I do then I wasn't in the right place mentally or emotionally to have had the experience, to begin with. Commonly, my drops happen 2 to 3 days after and seems to really only be if my aftercare needs weren't fully met by my partner, for whatever reason. My mind triggers and wonders if I'm going back to sex not meaning anything or leaving a way for any form of abuse to happen again. I start to internalize everything which really hurts and isn't good for my Acute Stress Disorder. If my aftercare needs are met - then I will not experience a drop. 

So, to lay it out simply: 

My HSP and Acute Stress Disorder affect my sex life because it has made aftercare a huge need in my life. Knowing that the person cares about me because I refuse to go back to the abuse is one of the most important thing to me. I know the question was asked because the curiosity was probably if my HSP makes orgasms feel better or if my Acute Stress Disorder made it so I can't have sex in certain areas or the like. The answers to that are no. I have never known sex without my HSP so I don't know what an orgasm would feel like without it, and my Acute Stress Disorder only affects my sex life when I get triggered of my past abuse.

 If that happens, it causes me to shut down completely. 

I become quiet, avoid contact of any sort - touch, eye contact, anything that causes a connection. I will begin to fidget with something in an anxious way (usually a fidget toy or a hairband I keep on me). I'll say whatever I can to get out of the situation. 

Another thing I have gotten asked when it comes to my HSP and sex: no, I do not instantly feel a connection with everyone I have had a sexual experience with. 

In fact, having a sexual experience with some of the guys I have been with is what broke us up because there was no chemistry or connection at all once the clothes were off and I can talk about what it's like to lose a connection with someone in a different post 

(my HSP does make that kind of interesting). 

My HSP does not make me fall in love with every guy I get in bed with, nor does it make me cling to them, feel a connection with them or become needy to them. Yes, in some cases, one or more of these has happened but maybe only a handful of times.

(I can only think of 4 times that this was true - one obviously being my first, which is another reason why I thought it was important to talk about so that I had an example of how I am not really able to let those connections go, especially if the person is still a huge part of my life.)

The other thing to remember, since I've grown and learned, sex is only happening when I want it to. Therefore, my HSP is more on the positive side and my Acute Stress Disorder wouldn't be triggered. Though, is why aftercare is important. To keep everything on the positive side and avoiding the drop that causes my HSP and Acute Stress Disorder to become hyperactive. 

Hopefully, that answers the question without being too detailed and awkward? I don't know. I feel like I was driving around a round-about after talking about my first experience... so if there are more questions about any of this, please let me know! I've seen such an increase in my readers here, and I promise, I read through every message I get and make notes of the questions I get asked. Sometimes, it just takes me a bit to figure out how I'm going to answer. 

Until I can think of a way to make it make more sense;

Attachment

One of the worst parts of feeling so deeply is the attachment problems that come with it... 

Oh, you wanna be friends? 

Guess what, we're best friends now and I will text you ALL the time. 

Oh, you give me any form of attention?

Yeah, you have all my attention now.

You text me every day and then randomly don't one day?

3 panic attacks and a melt down later, I'll passive aggressively tell you it's fine.

It's not a trust issue, its an attachment issue.

Due to feeling so deeply, I trust nearly instantly. It isn't something that has to be earned in my life, it is something that is instantly given. But, also since I feel so deeply, I attach myself to people very easily. Friends, I make easily. 

Relationships were so easy for me to lose because I'm too much of everything. 

Too clingy

Too talkative

Too caring

Too everything

Too much

It makes everything hard because I sit, and I wait for someone to notice me. I wait until someone notices that I didn't message them today, so then they reach out 

but that doesn't happen.

Then I feel hurt, unimportant, annoying and like a burden.

I notice small things in conversations and I notice when those things change and I will over analyze all of the reasons as to why it possibly changed. If you normally call me a nickname, and then stop... I'll wonder why. If you normally say you love me, or miss me... and then stop.... each day that passes and it goes unsaid, I'll distance myself more and more. 
It's hard because I want to be attached, but I also show people how I will treat them first, then after something happens, I treat them how they treat me and it kills me because I want to be attached, but I can't be. 
My heart is in constant pain because I have always wanted to just be attached to those in my life no matter if it was family, relationships or friends and the minute I felt pushed away, I didn't try anymore because what was the point? Easier to break my own heart rather than wait for someone else to do it, I guess....

But let me tell you, it hurts.

"I just want someone who wont get annoyed when I text them six times 

or IN ALL CAPS. 

Someone I can go on long drives with while blasting music and singing as loud as we can.

Someone I can eat pizza with at 2 a.m. and cuddle at 6 p.m.

Someone who chooses me everyday and never stops to think twice about it."

Until my heart stops hurting;

Not Everyone Has the Same Heart

One thing that is really hard with being a highly sensitive person, is understanding other people who are "normal"... because to me, they are less "normal" than myself. 

With this, I get my feelings hurt, get disappointed and get let down pretty often because I feel like I go above and beyond for people in my life and when that isn't reciprocated

it really hurts.

One day I was talking to my counselor about this and she told me

"don't expect yourself out of other"

I was upset at this at first because I happily encourage everyone to embrace their individuality, but then it clicked. I do wonder, if I'm willing to do all of this for someone, why doesn't it even cross their mind to do it for me? and there it is. It's because they aren't me. They don't have my heart, compassion, empathy and consideration. 

This has been something that I've really had to work on, and honestly, I still don't understand it and it still really hurts and upsets me when the situations arise. Consideration is something I was taught really young. If you're the first person awake, you try to be as quiet as you can be as to not wake everyone else in the house, if you're cooking food you make enough to share... if someone's using something, you wait your turn. 

With this, I always offer up my time to others. I'll go out of my way to take everyone else into consideration. Such as, I text my neighbor every time I leave my house, asking if her and her husband need anything. Every time I bake, I leave some on her doorstep and text her letting her know its there. If I'm getting food, I talk to everyone in my household to see if they want anything. I don't ask for money, I don't ask for help... and I never ask for it as an IOU but yet...

it still hurts when it isn't reciprocated. 

I'm not sure this will be something I ever learn to be okay with, honestly. I think even if I get better at hiding the hurt, its still going to hurt because I know what I do for others and for them to not have that same consideration towards me tells me that I don't mean as much to them. 

I don't have the same heart as others, mine is huge and is plastered right there on my sleeve. It gets easily trampled and yet I keep putting it back together and putting it back on my sleeve just hoping that each time is going to be different. I'll always do this, it's who I am. I just need to remember....

not everyone has the same heart.

 

Until next time;

Self Care

I definitely don't need the coffee that I am drinking today.

 (especially since I haven't been drinking the coffee since I've been off work)

 

But I woke up today with the quarantine blues, so I got up, did a small work out, put on my hole-y jeans, did my make up, and made myself some coffee. 

Self-care is insanely important. 

No matter what your self-care looks like, it is important. 

What is self-care? 

This is something that I've been wanting to touch on but could not figure out how because self-care is different for everyone so as much as I could say the analytical side of it - mine will always look different than yours. 

Self-care is doing something that makes you feel better, makes you own your space in the world, makes you happy, gives you time to distress and let go or even just ignore all your problems and troubles.

My usual self-care is exercise and doing my makeup. 

Some days my self-care is a bath and a glass of wine.

 Other days my self-care is laying in bed and just feeling my feelings.

All are valid because all of them work for me in some compacity.

Your self-care may be different than mine, and that's okay... they are still valid. You have to find what works for you. 

Don't feel guilty that you get nothing done that day, or maybe your self-care is doing chores: 

both are okay and valid.

I'm still a little down in the dumps, I miss my friends, family and my students but I have virtual dance class in a few hours so that'll help... for now, leave me to my coffee that is giving off major cinnamon roll vibes.

Until the coffee runs out;

Hypersensitivity

I saw this picture today:

I wish I could ask each of you what "Highly Sensitive" or "Hypersensitivity" means to you

if you want to answer in the comments, please do....

because it is this picture for me. I notice small changes in body language, fluctuation in tone, articulation, facial expressions... all of it. 

I'll often refer to my Hypersensitivity as being an HSP, which is a Highly Sensitive Person, and I will often use Elaine N. Aron as a reference. Aron has written many books on HSPs and has done more research than I feel I will ever be able to read through in my lifetime.

I will make a more education based post on HSP later, but for now, here is how we discovered my Hypersensitivity:

I got diagnosed with my Hypersensitivity around the age of 12 - I was definitely in middle school. I kept getting sick -beginning back in elementary school- and it was causing me to miss more school than I'd like to admit, then the stress of missing school would make me sick....

It was a vicious circle and it really wasn't fun to be in. 

The weird part is, when I was sick, I wouldn't have a fever, no vomiting or anything. My stomach would hurt like crazy, I'd be tired, overly sensitive, have a headache, feel like all I could do is cry and have body aches. Luckily, I have an amazing mother who listened. 

After a bit of not knowing what was going on, and my doctor having no idea, I ended up on a comfy couch in a psychologist's office. Well before the comfy couch, I was in a small dark room in an office chair while I took a really annoying and stressful test on a computer. But after the results came back, the psychologist told my mom and I that I was Hypersensitive. 

I will never forget how he explained it to young me:

"Typically a person's emotions range from 1 to 10, with Hypersensitivity you times that by 1000 and it doesn't have a stopping point".

I was getting sick because I was feeling bullied, unwanted, and dumb.

Middle school was ROUGH for me!

We finally knew what was going on.

I saw the psychologist for a few sessions because I had a lot to process that had happened and was happening in my life, and there became an ah-ha moment that really changed my life:

because I pick up on changes in voice, I would hear the anger in my mom's voice when she was upset and would take it as her yelling at me. This would cause me to totally shut down, I would cry and feel sick to my stomach. Then like clockwork, 2 to 3 days later, I'd be sick, body aches, headache... the works.

This changed my life because I feel if my mom hadn't listened to me and gotten the help I needed, her's and my relationship would not be what it is today because after she found out that I heard her as yelling at me, she worked with me to find different ways to communicate.

We found writing me a list or writing notes to be the best tactic.

My dad and I had a harder time figuring out how my hypersensitivity worked in our relationship. Neither of us are confrontational, but because of my hypersensitivity I can come off as very confrontational as my emotions peak. This made it really hard sometimes to get my feelings, thoughts and opinion across. My dad had to learn to listen to me through the tears and I had to learn to not let the quiet come off as anger. 

So, that is how we discovered my Hypersensitivity. 

Hypersensitivity is sometimes genetic or sometimes brought on by trauma, I believe that I was born with mine as I had always been called "sensitive" and was seen to cry a lot over things (both sad and happy tears). I was always closer to my emotions, even at a young age. 

There are times where I truly hate being an HSP because I do take things to heart and then some, but as bad as the bad times are, the good are 1000 times better... and because of those good days, I wouldn't change being an HSP for the world.

So, what's next;

Let's Start

Hello, I don't know how many people or who is seeing this but I can hope that at some point...

 this reaches someone who needs it.

 Since this blog is going to get rather personal, I wanted to start by breaking through that first wall: who am I other than another person writing another mental health blog.

 This is a hard one because, well.... who am I? 

At this time, I'm a 28 year old small town girl who has sights on bigger things. I'm a teacher of littles, and sometimes wonder who's idea that was. I'm a psychology student, working on my masters which I will receive next year.

 There are so many things that define me:

 dancer, photographer, artist, lover, passionate... 

honestly, the list could go on forever, but the two things that people tend to push off to the side or forget about:

 I live with an emotional imbalance called Hypersensitivity as well as a mental "disorder" called Acute Stress Disorder.

I want to break each of those down and explain them in detail,

I'm sure that will take multiple posts within itself,

because I feel like maybe I can help someone understand, or feel less alone. 

I'm going to post about my attacks, my hard days, my good days, how I get through certain barriers, stigmas, coping mechanisms, my experiences and throw a few education based posts in there every once in awhile. 

(Please keep in mind that other than the education based ones - which will have references - everything is going to be based off of my own personal diagnosis, experiences and thoughts. These will not be true for everyone!)

My imbalance and "disorder" do not define me, but they are a part of who I am and it is important to acknowledge that. Some days are great, some I crash hard and hopefully... 

those hard days when I post, will reach someone who needs it too.

With this being a vulnerable place, I ask for love, support and respect for myself and for anyone who chooses to comment. If you would like me to go more in depth about a topic, whether I've talked about it here or it is something else you're interested (other mental/emotional disorders/imbalances or psychology topics or situational basis preferred) about, please comment and I will do my best to make a post about it. 

So, let's start;