Unwarranted Negativity

 So much is going on...

I am about to lose it.

Hit after hit and each one feels like it is straight to the gut partnered with a bullet to my heart.

Death

Destruction

Lies

Manipulation

Egotistical

Self-Centered

Unwarranted Negativity

And I can't handle it anymore.

I had two deaths in my family just weeks apart from each other - I wasn't close to either person, but I do not handle death, funerals, and all very well. While visiting family for the first funeral, my aunt lets us know that she has breast cancer. Then, my home literally became a blaze of smoke and fire. I ended up getting sick from the smoke and all the while people are losing their homes and are scared out of their minds.

Now my town is starting to calm down again, but there's still so much negativity, fear, and hatred as we all try to get back on our feet. 

I feel guilty because I still have my home.

I keep reaching out for help because I'm not okay.

My hand is held open and out...

grasping at nothing.

And so the other day... I almost turned back to old coping mechanisms. 
I ran a burning hot bath, had a drink and found my knife... but here's the thing, I didn't do it. I looked at my leg, and my scars are faint and my tattoo is vibrant, so I finished my drink and I went to bed. I used to use this because I needed control over something, I never did it with intent to end my life, but just to release anything while having control of something... but this time, I am tired of having the control. I need someone else to take some of the weight, I need a break and I need time to not be okay. I can't keep being the rock knowing that sooner or later, I'm going to roll down this hill and there is no one at the bottom to stop me....

While I have been begging for help, I've been on my own. While I've been screaming at the top of my lung, no one has heard me. 

I feel guilty because I've been asking for help since before the destruction

but now it just looks like I'm being selfish.

I've been begging for love, affection, and human contact for weeks

but now it just looks like I'm being self-centered.

I am not doing okay

but I'll manage and

 I'll keep faking it until I am...

or until someone notices that

I'm still screaming and grasping at air.

My hard days are coming up, and I am not sure I can make it through them alone and like this. I really just want to let my depression take over and sleep until November... 

at least then, it wont matter if people notice I'm begging for help...

I wont notice that they don't notice.

Until I feel better;

Self Destruct

****** Trigger warning******* 

This blog does talk about my self harm and suicidal thoughts/attempt. Please keep yourself safe, happy and healthy. If this is something that is too hard to read, but you would like to know, feel free to reach out and I will talk with you about it in a less abrasive manner. 

Alright, so here is one of the more personal posts that I was talking about...

I knew it would have to come up sooner or later

For the last few days my depression has really been beating me up and I've felt like crying for the last 3 days, I have barely slept

in fact I didn't sleep last night

 and space out a lot. And, so my brain starts, what I call, self destructing and thinking about things that aren't necessarily true or aren't as bad as my brain makes them out to be. 

This has happened to me for many years, so I'm not sure if its a depression thing or a hypersensitivity thing since it started before I got my acute stress disorder. 

I have learned over the years different coping mechanisms, such as last night when my brain flipped, I cut my hair... sometimes I dye it, sometimes I schedule a tattoo appointment or I go shopping for clothes/shoes that I definitely do not need. 

Now here is where we're going to get personal...

I wasn't (and still have some struggles) good at coping with finding non-destructive ways. I used to self harm and I used to have many different suicidal thoughts... such as taking a mix of medications and not really caring what they were or what the side effects would be.
I first started self harming my sophomore year in high school. I would cut on my legs since I didn't wear shorts

I'm far too pale for shorts... I glow in the dark, I swear

and therefore no one would see. I didn't want to be accused for doing it for attention because I did it because it was one thing I could control. A lot happened in my sophomore year. I lost a lot of people I cared about, there was so much death... so many heart breaks and so many fights. I couldn't control any of it, but I could control the knife. And therefore it became a release, not the most healthy of one but it kept me from freaking out worse.

Junior and Senior year started to be better, though I still had relapses towards self harm when things were too far out of control for me to handle it. 

Junior year was the first year I had suicidal thoughts, though I didn't act on it. I had thought about how much better people's lives would be without me. How difficult I am to have around. All of it...

College came around and I started doing so much better. I hadn't even thought about self harm and my suicidal thoughts had seemed to disappear. I was happy and it was fantastic. I smiled daily, I was healthy, I ate, I made new friends...

Then my biggest life altering experience to that point happened. 

I was a dance major in Nevada... originally from Oregon, so I was states away from my family... from "home".... 

I hurt my ankle and it felt wrong. I went and saw a doctor, without even touching me she said "oh well, its tendinitis". I knew she was wrong. I have loose ligaments and have been a dancer since I was three... I knew what tendinitis was. I was trying to take it easy in my dance classes to see if my ankle would feel better but one of my teachers said it was good I was sitting the day out because I probably couldn't do the routine anyway. I got up, danced and felt  that snapping and instantly fell to my knees. 

It wasn't tendinitis. I had small tears in my ligaments, muscles and had angered my tendons. My ankle was telling me to stop, not that I had tendinitis. The snap I felt... was all of it tearing. I went to a specialist, and he told me I probably wouldn't walk normal for the rest of my life, and chances of me dancing were gone. 

I went back to my dorm that night, my roommate was gone for the weekend... I grabbed alcohol from a friend, and went and took a handful of who knows what.... what did it matter anymore? My dreams were gone and I might never dance again. I passed out. I woke up with the worst headache I had ever had, and a friend of mine staring at me. How he had gotten into my dorm, I have no idea. 

I moved back to Oregon because I couldn't stay at the dorms unless I was a full time student, I had a boot on my ankle so walking across campus for classes wasn't that easy. I had a few self harm incidents while I lived in Eugene, but I swore to myself I'd never let it get as far as I did in Nevada. 

When I moved back to my hometown, I was doing better again. I was happy... and then I wasn't... 

I have been a year and 6 months clean from self harm, and I haven't fully attempted since Nevada which was 10 years ago now. The hard part is that my brain still goes there though - I still find myself wanting to and going through the motions. My brain tells me awful things and it makes me feel a huge loss of control... and so having that control back seems like an easy fix. But instead of creating more scars, I cut my hair, I dye my hair, I bake... 

there are healthy ways to have that control, I promise. 

I know I'm not alone in this, I have many friends and a huge group of people who have gone down this route... so please, I know I have at least one dedicated reader thus far... if you're on this path... please know you're not alone, I'm here always. 

I wish I had listened to that back in 2010... but I'm glad I do now. I dance. I teach dance. I walk normal. Sometimes my ankle hurts, but its rare. I work through it. I found the path of psychology and it is something I'm naturally good at. Its where I'm supposed to be. My injury nearly killed me, but it was for a reason. I wasn't meant to be a dancer in the sense for what I was working towards. Dance is my love, passion and an amazing release, but I would have lost that passion once it became work. So, know that whatever you're going through is for a reason, live long enough to find out what that reason is.

Thanks for listening, you guys. This is all something I don't really talk about, and don't admit to many but figured I could put it out there so that if I reference anything later, it makes sense.

For now;

Let's Start

Hello, I don't know how many people or who is seeing this but I can hope that at some point...

 this reaches someone who needs it.

 Since this blog is going to get rather personal, I wanted to start by breaking through that first wall: who am I other than another person writing another mental health blog.

 This is a hard one because, well.... who am I? 

At this time, I'm a 28 year old small town girl who has sights on bigger things. I'm a teacher of littles, and sometimes wonder who's idea that was. I'm a psychology student, working on my masters which I will receive next year.

 There are so many things that define me:

 dancer, photographer, artist, lover, passionate... 

honestly, the list could go on forever, but the two things that people tend to push off to the side or forget about:

 I live with an emotional imbalance called Hypersensitivity as well as a mental "disorder" called Acute Stress Disorder.

I want to break each of those down and explain them in detail,

I'm sure that will take multiple posts within itself,

because I feel like maybe I can help someone understand, or feel less alone. 

I'm going to post about my attacks, my hard days, my good days, how I get through certain barriers, stigmas, coping mechanisms, my experiences and throw a few education based posts in there every once in awhile. 

(Please keep in mind that other than the education based ones - which will have references - everything is going to be based off of my own personal diagnosis, experiences and thoughts. These will not be true for everyone!)

My imbalance and "disorder" do not define me, but they are a part of who I am and it is important to acknowledge that. Some days are great, some I crash hard and hopefully... 

those hard days when I post, will reach someone who needs it too.

With this being a vulnerable place, I ask for love, support and respect for myself and for anyone who chooses to comment. If you would like me to go more in depth about a topic, whether I've talked about it here or it is something else you're interested (other mental/emotional disorders/imbalances or psychology topics or situational basis preferred) about, please comment and I will do my best to make a post about it. 

So, let's start;