Unwarranted Negativity

 So much is going on...

I am about to lose it.

Hit after hit and each one feels like it is straight to the gut partnered with a bullet to my heart.

Death

Destruction

Lies

Manipulation

Egotistical

Self-Centered

Unwarranted Negativity

And I can't handle it anymore.

I had two deaths in my family just weeks apart from each other - I wasn't close to either person, but I do not handle death, funerals, and all very well. While visiting family for the first funeral, my aunt lets us know that she has breast cancer. Then, my home literally became a blaze of smoke and fire. I ended up getting sick from the smoke and all the while people are losing their homes and are scared out of their minds.

Now my town is starting to calm down again, but there's still so much negativity, fear, and hatred as we all try to get back on our feet. 

I feel guilty because I still have my home.

I keep reaching out for help because I'm not okay.

My hand is held open and out...

grasping at nothing.

And so the other day... I almost turned back to old coping mechanisms. 
I ran a burning hot bath, had a drink and found my knife... but here's the thing, I didn't do it. I looked at my leg, and my scars are faint and my tattoo is vibrant, so I finished my drink and I went to bed. I used to use this because I needed control over something, I never did it with intent to end my life, but just to release anything while having control of something... but this time, I am tired of having the control. I need someone else to take some of the weight, I need a break and I need time to not be okay. I can't keep being the rock knowing that sooner or later, I'm going to roll down this hill and there is no one at the bottom to stop me....

While I have been begging for help, I've been on my own. While I've been screaming at the top of my lung, no one has heard me. 

I feel guilty because I've been asking for help since before the destruction

but now it just looks like I'm being selfish.

I've been begging for love, affection, and human contact for weeks

but now it just looks like I'm being self-centered.

I am not doing okay

but I'll manage and

 I'll keep faking it until I am...

or until someone notices that

I'm still screaming and grasping at air.

My hard days are coming up, and I am not sure I can make it through them alone and like this. I really just want to let my depression take over and sleep until November... 

at least then, it wont matter if people notice I'm begging for help...

I wont notice that they don't notice.

Until I feel better;