How's Your Heart

I'm checking in:

How's your heart lately?

Write it down. Scream it out. Dance the feelings.

My heart is hurting a lot, but it's full at the same time. 

One minute I'm okay, the next I'm hurting and wanting to cry. 

 It's a confusing time in the world and in my personal life. 

I've started walking every night, except Sundays. I'm trying to get hard school work done by Friday and I'm trying to excel and think positively with work. I'm trying to give myself Sundays off to spend with family - or friends. 

Some people say the world gives you what you give to it...

 which is much like myself...

though I'm not sure I fully believe this 

since I try to give love and positivity to the world and

 here I am...

 I treat people how I want to be treated, and when you treat me differently, I'll treat you how you treat me. I guess the moral of the thought is to be kind to those around you, 

to yourself,

 and to the world. 

We're all struggling through our own stories, some of us are struggling silently as we are the rocks for others, but even rocks start to crack under enough pressure.

Check-in on your friends, the world is a strange and scary place full of a lot of emotions...

Until someone else checks in;

Attachment

One of the worst parts of feeling so deeply is the attachment problems that come with it... 

Oh, you wanna be friends? 

Guess what, we're best friends now and I will text you ALL the time. 

Oh, you give me any form of attention?

Yeah, you have all my attention now.

You text me every day and then randomly don't one day?

3 panic attacks and a melt down later, I'll passive aggressively tell you it's fine.

It's not a trust issue, its an attachment issue.

Due to feeling so deeply, I trust nearly instantly. It isn't something that has to be earned in my life, it is something that is instantly given. But, also since I feel so deeply, I attach myself to people very easily. Friends, I make easily. 

Relationships were so easy for me to lose because I'm too much of everything. 

Too clingy

Too talkative

Too caring

Too everything

Too much

It makes everything hard because I sit, and I wait for someone to notice me. I wait until someone notices that I didn't message them today, so then they reach out 

but that doesn't happen.

Then I feel hurt, unimportant, annoying and like a burden.

I notice small things in conversations and I notice when those things change and I will over analyze all of the reasons as to why it possibly changed. If you normally call me a nickname, and then stop... I'll wonder why. If you normally say you love me, or miss me... and then stop.... each day that passes and it goes unsaid, I'll distance myself more and more. 
It's hard because I want to be attached, but I also show people how I will treat them first, then after something happens, I treat them how they treat me and it kills me because I want to be attached, but I can't be. 
My heart is in constant pain because I have always wanted to just be attached to those in my life no matter if it was family, relationships or friends and the minute I felt pushed away, I didn't try anymore because what was the point? Easier to break my own heart rather than wait for someone else to do it, I guess....

But let me tell you, it hurts.

"I just want someone who wont get annoyed when I text them six times 

or IN ALL CAPS. 

Someone I can go on long drives with while blasting music and singing as loud as we can.

Someone I can eat pizza with at 2 a.m. and cuddle at 6 p.m.

Someone who chooses me everyday and never stops to think twice about it."

Until my heart stops hurting;

Abandonment

"This is what it's like to have a fear of abandonment...

for anybody who wants to know...

I get attached way too f***ing easily,

I always want to cling to people so they don't leave but I'm too scared to be clingy because that pushes people away,

if someone takes a long time to respond I think they're either ignoring me or are mad at me because I did something wrong...

if they don't respond I cry.

Separation anxiety.

I always try to please everyone all the time,

and when I do make someone upset I apologize like 87 thousand times because I'm scared that they'll be mad at me forever"

No matter how many times you are left, 

it doesn't get easier.

Yeah... I wish it would too....

The moment something is okay, you start looking for signs that it's not. You read into the small things and notice every subtle change. That's life with being hypersensitive. I notice all the small inconsistencies. The change in tone, use of words, body language... I see the signs when someone is about to leave my life and even though I feel like I get months of preparation due to seeing the signs...

it doesn't get easier.

Sometimes, I wish I was wrong and that someone... just anyone... would stay but they don't. I'm too much and I know that. I'm too much for people to want to deal with because I'm independent but dependent. I notice the small things and they upset me because I know sooner or later, they're going to be big things. 

All of this hit home for some of you? 

It doesn't get easier.

No matter how many people walk out of your life, no matter how many times you give your heart away, break down your walls and let people in....

it doesn't get easier.

Oh man, do I wish it did.

Until something gets easier; 

Back Burner Depression

I've been in a weird headspace lately. 

Some days I wake up and feel ready to take on the world,

 like I'm strong enough to take on anything... 

then other days,

 I don't want to get out of bed and just want to cry. 

What have I been doing to combat this?

 I've been forcing myself to get dressed, do some sort of hair and makeup and try to leave the house.  I've been going to the park, to soak in the sun, eat and read a book 

Usually a psychology book...

Because I'm weird and that's my enjoyment reading

(Currently: The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron)

I only allow myself one day a week to let my depression win.

Because it is actually okay to feel your depression, live with it, acknowledge it, and have a day.

But it is important to not get stuck there.

 Let it have a day or two of your life, then get up and take your life back.

It'll be hard but

YOU CAN DO IT.

Because here's the thing, there's no cure to mental health. There's things that can help, and that's great - work to find what works best for you - but this is who you are... 

who I am.

My acute stress disorder and hypersensitivity are not going anywhere. I will have them for the rest of my life and that's okay.

Acknowledging mental health is okay. It is important. 

Until we normalize mental health;

What Am I Going to do Better

Every night I ask myself 

"what am I going to do better tomorrow" 

and every morning I ask

 "what was the good in yesterday". 

I haven't been sleeping well, I feel like everyone wants to argue with me and very few people are listening to actually listen,

 not just respond.

 I hit a brick wall a few days ago, I hit my boiling point and I went back to my dark place. 

My dark place makes me seem like I'm cold, don't care and

 just am a space holder in the world rather than 

taking up and owning my space and taking up all that space.

Since I've been in my dark place, things seem to just keep hitting harder. I take things more to heart, I feel worse about myself and am insanely self-aware of how annoying I am. 

I start to wonder... 

how do I have friends?

Is this why no one reaches out to me?

Why would anyone want to be around me? 

But last night, a little boy, who has had my heart from the day we met, had to tell me he loves me before he went to sleep and today a different little boy, who has reminded me that patience and understanding are essential, told me that I was beautiful. 

So my change for tomorrow is to see myself through those kids eyes

 and my good today was how pure children are.

Until I see myself how children do;

Not Everyone Has the Same Heart

One thing that is really hard with being a highly sensitive person, is understanding other people who are "normal"... because to me, they are less "normal" than myself. 

With this, I get my feelings hurt, get disappointed and get let down pretty often because I feel like I go above and beyond for people in my life and when that isn't reciprocated

it really hurts.

One day I was talking to my counselor about this and she told me

"don't expect yourself out of other"

I was upset at this at first because I happily encourage everyone to embrace their individuality, but then it clicked. I do wonder, if I'm willing to do all of this for someone, why doesn't it even cross their mind to do it for me? and there it is. It's because they aren't me. They don't have my heart, compassion, empathy and consideration. 

This has been something that I've really had to work on, and honestly, I still don't understand it and it still really hurts and upsets me when the situations arise. Consideration is something I was taught really young. If you're the first person awake, you try to be as quiet as you can be as to not wake everyone else in the house, if you're cooking food you make enough to share... if someone's using something, you wait your turn. 

With this, I always offer up my time to others. I'll go out of my way to take everyone else into consideration. Such as, I text my neighbor every time I leave my house, asking if her and her husband need anything. Every time I bake, I leave some on her doorstep and text her letting her know its there. If I'm getting food, I talk to everyone in my household to see if they want anything. I don't ask for money, I don't ask for help... and I never ask for it as an IOU but yet...

it still hurts when it isn't reciprocated. 

I'm not sure this will be something I ever learn to be okay with, honestly. I think even if I get better at hiding the hurt, its still going to hurt because I know what I do for others and for them to not have that same consideration towards me tells me that I don't mean as much to them. 

I don't have the same heart as others, mine is huge and is plastered right there on my sleeve. It gets easily trampled and yet I keep putting it back together and putting it back on my sleeve just hoping that each time is going to be different. I'll always do this, it's who I am. I just need to remember....

not everyone has the same heart.

 

Until next time;

I'm Not Looking For Answers

For me, personally, the absolute worst part about anxiety isn't the panic attacks, the fear, the doubt or anything about the anxiety itself.

You learn to live, deal and cope with all of that.

No, the worst part about anxiety is that people tell you to reach out when you're having a hard time, and then when you reach out and all you need is someone to talk to...

they try to fix it

they try to give you answers

they try to end the anxiety

sometimes all that is needed is someone to talk to about a different subject other than what's making me anxious. Sometimes all I want is for someone to listen while I vent. Sometimes I'm just reaching out so that someone in my world knows I'm not doing okay. 

I don't need fixed

I don't need answers

I have my anxiety and it isn't going anywhere.

I don't need someone trying to figure me, my panic attacks or my anxiety out. I have gone to counselors, and I first went to a psychologist when I was 12 years old and then again 

to the same psychologist

at 21 years old after I developed my Acute Stress Disorder. I know my anxiety very well. I have worked very hard on how to live with it in my daily life. I know how to manage it and I know what to do when I have my panic attacks. I know what works for me. I am not reaching out for someone to try and take it all away. I am reaching out to have someone to talk to because

the worst feeling is 

feeling alone when coming out of a panic attack.

There is nothing like becoming grounded again, looking around and realizing there is no one...

So, first thing I usually do is grab my phone and I text the last person I was talking to. Sometimes, if I know them well enough, I'll tell them I had a panic attack. I have only met one person who doesn't instantly try to fix it in some way and I absolutely hate it. 

It's been a hard day;