Self Esteem

Alright, here's a fun topic!

Self esteem...

There's so many e's!

This is a topic that I think everyone relates to since we all have something we would change - whether we admit it or not. From appearance to our laughs, there is something that we are self conscious about and that's only natural. I am definitely  not here to tell you to not be because I know it isn't that easy at all. 

For me, it's my stomach. I am not overweight by any means, nor would I consider myself "chubby" but I am a dancer, and while I haven't danced like I used to in many years, I've lost a lot of my muscle definition and I absolutely hate it. 

I have very strange outlook on my body due to my years in dance, I was too tall, my stomach wasn't flat enough but in the same day I'd also get told to embrace my height and long legs and got sent to a nutritionist because I looked like I wasn't eating. 

Yeah, no wonder why I have issues, right?

Now, here is how my self esteem and my mental health tie together.

The other thing that I'm super self conscious about is that I am incredibly clingy and attached. I like socializing, especially with people I love and care about, I like having their attention and even more, I like giving them mine. 

When that doesn't happen, my mind starts telling me that they don't care, I drove them away, I'm annoying, I'm too clingy... and worse yet, I'm destined to be alone. 

Getting those thoughts it stop is really difficult for me and I don't want to beg for attention, because it's not the attention that I want its the simple feeling of having a connection and feeling like I matter to someone. 

Usually I get to socialize at work, with being a preschool teacher, I'm best friends with a lot of toddlers and I absolutely love it. I come home feeling fulfilled and can continue the rest of my day and weekend independently. 

Guess what though, I'm not currently working

and wont be until August...

that's quarantine baby...

thanks Covid....

so I've been greatly struggling with filling my social meter and its really taking its toll. I want to talk to people and feel like I matter to them, I want to know I'm important. But, everyone has their lives and I know that and support that, I can't text while I work either but on my off time I am sure to answer all my messages and phone calls because people are important to me, my friends, loved ones and classmates are important to me. That's where I struggle, many people have hobbies they do in their down time that are important to them: cars, motorcycles, gaming, RPG and I get it... I truly do. Just takes a hit to my self esteem when I feel like everything comes before me to everyone I talk to...

This is something I am working on. This isn't an upbeat or emotional post, this isn't meant to motivate or make someone feel bad. Just maybe, look at your own life and figure out... is it things, task and chores that are more important or is it people? Because, the things, tasks and chores can usually wait... sometimes, the people need you now.  

Until I have something else to say;

Here's to the Good Days

Hey there,
so, I was noticing that this all was getting a little dark rather fast and that's because its easier to talk about the bad than the good...

funny how the brain works like that.

And by funny, I mean in the most annoyed way possible.

But here is a good day. 

I woke up feeling sick to my stomach because of all the negativity, stress and anxiety I was letting myself feel recently. I cuddled with my dogs for a little bit and watched a few TikTok videos.

No shame!

And a friend text me, just checking in. The text told me to go on a hike - not in a "take a hike" type of way, but more in a "go outside, get some sun" kind of a way. Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I'm not much of a hiking person. I'll do it maaaaaybe once a year, and I'm definitely more open to it if I'm not going alone.

 And, I already got my solo hike in for this year, so yeah...

 hiking wasn't going to happen.

But, I knew I had a few errands that I wanted to run, so I got up, got dressed, did my hair and make up....

then laid back down in bed because depression is exhausting.

Even with feeling better today, I had been sitting with my depression for so many days that my body just had no energy. I knew I had to get up and go. So, I got up and went.

I ran to Walmart to get fixing for dinner (spaghetti, the feel good food for Italians), got some potting soil and decided to look in the craft area for a few other things I have going on around the house. I didn't find what I was looking for, but I did find some pretty blue, sparkly fabric scissors!

I make wreaths as a side business to my day job as a teacher, I've been needing fabric scissors but keep forgetting. These sparkly ones were SCREAMING my name.

Now, here is the benefit to this 6-feet away rule:

With my anxiety, I hate hate hate going places alone. I do it because I know I have to, but usually if I do, I will plug in my earbuds and listen to my music. When I do this, I sometimes get annoyed glances directed at me, and hear comments about how rude I am due to "not being able to hear"

(which, I can. I never have my music up THAT high)

Mind you, I make sure I'm always aware of my surroundings, I still say "pardon me" when walking by someone. I don't act any different other than the fact that I faintly have my own music playing so that I am a little more calm. I am not ignoring anyone who talks to me, and if someone does talk to me, I take at least one earbud out for the conversation. So, the comments aren't coming from anything other than the fact that I am wearing my earbuds.

But with the 6-feet away thing, no one seems to think twice about me listening to my music. 

Not that they should care anyway...

Then I went through self check out

 (I even remembered my own bag, because I'm sometimes good at being an Oregonian!)

and started heading back towards my car. Now, since I was listening to my music, enjoying the sun and semi-zoning out... I pushed my cart really hard and hopped on 

ya know, like you do when you're younger and you ride on the back while holding the bar to see how far you get with just a single push while your guardian is putting the receipt away and looking for the keys to the car

once I realized what I had just done, and realized I had made it most of the way to my car with one push, I looked around and saw two employees, an elderly gentleman and a guy probably around my age smiling and laughing (more than likely) at me. 

Normally, that would have made me self conscious

did my pants rip? Is there an embarrassing stain? Is my shirt see though? Is my underwear/booty showing?

But today, I was just happy I could make someone smile during all the craziness that is going on in the world. 

I, then, treated myself to a blended coffee and headed home. This was all before 11am!

So, why did I walk you through my day today? 

Because, I'm happy today. I see my own worth today. I see the importance in my friends today. I see my beauty today.

I see clear today.

When you live with depression, your head gets really foggy. Its like looking through a fogged up window. You can see, but not clearly. You know there is light coming through, but you can't feel its warmth. You want to be happy, you want the warmth, you want things to be clear and try as you might... depression sometimes wins. 

Now here's the thing:

That's okay.

Yeah, I said it. It's okay to let the depression or anxiety win sometimes. Sometimes your body needs to feel the bad to appreciate the good more, to feel the warmth in all its glory and to notice the beauty in even the smallest thing. The important thing is to not live in your depression and/or anxiety. Let them have a day or a few, then take it back from them.

Today, the beauty I saw was the flowers i keep in my window. They were what encouraged me to get up today: I looked towards my window to my flowers I bought and noticed they were looking a little droopy and almost out of water. So, I took them downstairs, trimmed the stems, cleaned my mason jar, put fresh flower food in and rearranged them before taking them back upstairs to go back into my window. 

Today is a good day. They aren't all good days, but good days will always come. 

Here's to the good days;

Self Destruct

****** Trigger warning******* 

This blog does talk about my self harm and suicidal thoughts/attempt. Please keep yourself safe, happy and healthy. If this is something that is too hard to read, but you would like to know, feel free to reach out and I will talk with you about it in a less abrasive manner. 

Alright, so here is one of the more personal posts that I was talking about...

I knew it would have to come up sooner or later

For the last few days my depression has really been beating me up and I've felt like crying for the last 3 days, I have barely slept

in fact I didn't sleep last night

 and space out a lot. And, so my brain starts, what I call, self destructing and thinking about things that aren't necessarily true or aren't as bad as my brain makes them out to be. 

This has happened to me for many years, so I'm not sure if its a depression thing or a hypersensitivity thing since it started before I got my acute stress disorder. 

I have learned over the years different coping mechanisms, such as last night when my brain flipped, I cut my hair... sometimes I dye it, sometimes I schedule a tattoo appointment or I go shopping for clothes/shoes that I definitely do not need. 

Now here is where we're going to get personal...

I wasn't (and still have some struggles) good at coping with finding non-destructive ways. I used to self harm and I used to have many different suicidal thoughts... such as taking a mix of medications and not really caring what they were or what the side effects would be.
I first started self harming my sophomore year in high school. I would cut on my legs since I didn't wear shorts

I'm far too pale for shorts... I glow in the dark, I swear

and therefore no one would see. I didn't want to be accused for doing it for attention because I did it because it was one thing I could control. A lot happened in my sophomore year. I lost a lot of people I cared about, there was so much death... so many heart breaks and so many fights. I couldn't control any of it, but I could control the knife. And therefore it became a release, not the most healthy of one but it kept me from freaking out worse.

Junior and Senior year started to be better, though I still had relapses towards self harm when things were too far out of control for me to handle it. 

Junior year was the first year I had suicidal thoughts, though I didn't act on it. I had thought about how much better people's lives would be without me. How difficult I am to have around. All of it...

College came around and I started doing so much better. I hadn't even thought about self harm and my suicidal thoughts had seemed to disappear. I was happy and it was fantastic. I smiled daily, I was healthy, I ate, I made new friends...

Then my biggest life altering experience to that point happened. 

I was a dance major in Nevada... originally from Oregon, so I was states away from my family... from "home".... 

I hurt my ankle and it felt wrong. I went and saw a doctor, without even touching me she said "oh well, its tendinitis". I knew she was wrong. I have loose ligaments and have been a dancer since I was three... I knew what tendinitis was. I was trying to take it easy in my dance classes to see if my ankle would feel better but one of my teachers said it was good I was sitting the day out because I probably couldn't do the routine anyway. I got up, danced and felt  that snapping and instantly fell to my knees. 

It wasn't tendinitis. I had small tears in my ligaments, muscles and had angered my tendons. My ankle was telling me to stop, not that I had tendinitis. The snap I felt... was all of it tearing. I went to a specialist, and he told me I probably wouldn't walk normal for the rest of my life, and chances of me dancing were gone. 

I went back to my dorm that night, my roommate was gone for the weekend... I grabbed alcohol from a friend, and went and took a handful of who knows what.... what did it matter anymore? My dreams were gone and I might never dance again. I passed out. I woke up with the worst headache I had ever had, and a friend of mine staring at me. How he had gotten into my dorm, I have no idea. 

I moved back to Oregon because I couldn't stay at the dorms unless I was a full time student, I had a boot on my ankle so walking across campus for classes wasn't that easy. I had a few self harm incidents while I lived in Eugene, but I swore to myself I'd never let it get as far as I did in Nevada. 

When I moved back to my hometown, I was doing better again. I was happy... and then I wasn't... 

I have been a year and 6 months clean from self harm, and I haven't fully attempted since Nevada which was 10 years ago now. The hard part is that my brain still goes there though - I still find myself wanting to and going through the motions. My brain tells me awful things and it makes me feel a huge loss of control... and so having that control back seems like an easy fix. But instead of creating more scars, I cut my hair, I dye my hair, I bake... 

there are healthy ways to have that control, I promise. 

I know I'm not alone in this, I have many friends and a huge group of people who have gone down this route... so please, I know I have at least one dedicated reader thus far... if you're on this path... please know you're not alone, I'm here always. 

I wish I had listened to that back in 2010... but I'm glad I do now. I dance. I teach dance. I walk normal. Sometimes my ankle hurts, but its rare. I work through it. I found the path of psychology and it is something I'm naturally good at. Its where I'm supposed to be. My injury nearly killed me, but it was for a reason. I wasn't meant to be a dancer in the sense for what I was working towards. Dance is my love, passion and an amazing release, but I would have lost that passion once it became work. So, know that whatever you're going through is for a reason, live long enough to find out what that reason is.

Thanks for listening, you guys. This is all something I don't really talk about, and don't admit to many but figured I could put it out there so that if I reference anything later, it makes sense.

For now;

Harder Day

Today

and well... yesterday....

has been a harder day for me. I have so much that is causing my anxiety to heighten and I can't do what I normally do to make my anxiety stop

yay stay at home order taking mental health into consideration......

so I feel like I'm trapped in my anxiety which causes my depression to skyrocket.

 Bleh.

See, the hard part about having Acute Stress Disorder side by side with being an HSP is the fact that I know I would feel better if I were to just vent and talk to someone about everything that is in my head, but then my hypersensitivity tells me:

• they don't care
• they're not listening
• you're being annoying
• you're being needy
• you're being clingy

and then those thoughts cause my anxiety to heighten even more. 

My life is just full of vicious circles due to my mental health.

Worse part, I turn my attention to them. I start asking questions about them, their day, how they are doing and instead of letting myself vent and feel better, I listen because them feeling better is more important to me. I don't hate this part about myself because I love knowing that I helped someone feel better, even if by just being a listening ear... it's just hard being the person who always listens and takes on everyone else's negativity and problems with having no one to vent to myself.

or... at least no one that notices I need to vent and gives me continued reinforcement that I'm not being a bother to them... I know, I'm part of my own problem and there are people who would listen, but as I previously said... I push people away and hate that I wait for someone to push back... showing me that I'm wanted, not annoying or being too much..

Guess that's one reason why I'm here... so hi!

I'm starting to have major issues with the social distancing that is happening, not returning to work, having different students when I do return to work, missing my dad, missing physical contact in general and then having no idea what is going on in other aspects of my life...

don't even get me started.

So, today I did nothing pretty much, and I have to remind myself that its okay to do that. All I did today was work out. I forced myself to eat, but I didn't get dressed... didn't do my make up... and stayed in bed. I'm going to say it one more time for those reading this that need to hear it:

That's okay

It's okay to sit with not being okay for a day, what isn't okay is letting it control and determine your life. With that, tomorrow I will be getting dressed and doing my make up. I will be working on my craft and most importantly, 

I will be okay and you will be too. 

I'll say it again...

You will be too.

but, for now;

Self Care

I definitely don't need the coffee that I am drinking today.

 (especially since I haven't been drinking the coffee since I've been off work)

 

But I woke up today with the quarantine blues, so I got up, did a small work out, put on my hole-y jeans, did my make up, and made myself some coffee. 

Self-care is insanely important. 

No matter what your self-care looks like, it is important. 

What is self-care? 

This is something that I've been wanting to touch on but could not figure out how because self-care is different for everyone so as much as I could say the analytical side of it - mine will always look different than yours. 

Self-care is doing something that makes you feel better, makes you own your space in the world, makes you happy, gives you time to distress and let go or even just ignore all your problems and troubles.

My usual self-care is exercise and doing my makeup. 

Some days my self-care is a bath and a glass of wine.

 Other days my self-care is laying in bed and just feeling my feelings.

All are valid because all of them work for me in some compacity.

Your self-care may be different than mine, and that's okay... they are still valid. You have to find what works for you. 

Don't feel guilty that you get nothing done that day, or maybe your self-care is doing chores: 

both are okay and valid.

I'm still a little down in the dumps, I miss my friends, family and my students but I have virtual dance class in a few hours so that'll help... for now, leave me to my coffee that is giving off major cinnamon roll vibes.

Until the coffee runs out;

Hypersensitivity

I saw this picture today:

I wish I could ask each of you what "Highly Sensitive" or "Hypersensitivity" means to you

if you want to answer in the comments, please do....

because it is this picture for me. I notice small changes in body language, fluctuation in tone, articulation, facial expressions... all of it. 

I'll often refer to my Hypersensitivity as being an HSP, which is a Highly Sensitive Person, and I will often use Elaine N. Aron as a reference. Aron has written many books on HSPs and has done more research than I feel I will ever be able to read through in my lifetime.

I will make a more education based post on HSP later, but for now, here is how we discovered my Hypersensitivity:

I got diagnosed with my Hypersensitivity around the age of 12 - I was definitely in middle school. I kept getting sick -beginning back in elementary school- and it was causing me to miss more school than I'd like to admit, then the stress of missing school would make me sick....

It was a vicious circle and it really wasn't fun to be in. 

The weird part is, when I was sick, I wouldn't have a fever, no vomiting or anything. My stomach would hurt like crazy, I'd be tired, overly sensitive, have a headache, feel like all I could do is cry and have body aches. Luckily, I have an amazing mother who listened. 

After a bit of not knowing what was going on, and my doctor having no idea, I ended up on a comfy couch in a psychologist's office. Well before the comfy couch, I was in a small dark room in an office chair while I took a really annoying and stressful test on a computer. But after the results came back, the psychologist told my mom and I that I was Hypersensitive. 

I will never forget how he explained it to young me:

"Typically a person's emotions range from 1 to 10, with Hypersensitivity you times that by 1000 and it doesn't have a stopping point".

I was getting sick because I was feeling bullied, unwanted, and dumb.

Middle school was ROUGH for me!

We finally knew what was going on.

I saw the psychologist for a few sessions because I had a lot to process that had happened and was happening in my life, and there became an ah-ha moment that really changed my life:

because I pick up on changes in voice, I would hear the anger in my mom's voice when she was upset and would take it as her yelling at me. This would cause me to totally shut down, I would cry and feel sick to my stomach. Then like clockwork, 2 to 3 days later, I'd be sick, body aches, headache... the works.

This changed my life because I feel if my mom hadn't listened to me and gotten the help I needed, her's and my relationship would not be what it is today because after she found out that I heard her as yelling at me, she worked with me to find different ways to communicate.

We found writing me a list or writing notes to be the best tactic.

My dad and I had a harder time figuring out how my hypersensitivity worked in our relationship. Neither of us are confrontational, but because of my hypersensitivity I can come off as very confrontational as my emotions peak. This made it really hard sometimes to get my feelings, thoughts and opinion across. My dad had to learn to listen to me through the tears and I had to learn to not let the quiet come off as anger. 

So, that is how we discovered my Hypersensitivity. 

Hypersensitivity is sometimes genetic or sometimes brought on by trauma, I believe that I was born with mine as I had always been called "sensitive" and was seen to cry a lot over things (both sad and happy tears). I was always closer to my emotions, even at a young age. 

There are times where I truly hate being an HSP because I do take things to heart and then some, but as bad as the bad times are, the good are 1000 times better... and because of those good days, I wouldn't change being an HSP for the world.

So, what's next;

Self Critical

So here I am, at a low point and I hate it.

I hate thinking so negative, I hate pushing people away...

I hate hoping that one person will push back.

I know this isn't my normal, I know I'm a happy and optimistic person but I don't always know what brings on my episodes. 

Tonight, I'm feeling extremely self critical. 

I feel like I'm not enough, like I'll never be good enough and that I don't deserve love.

Normally, these feelings will be gone by this time tomorrow.

This "stay at home" order is really hard. I strive on contact, touch, connection and this order is making those seemingly impossible. 

So, here I am.

I couldn't tell you if this feeling comes from my Hypersensitivity or my Acute Stress Disorder,

maybe it's both....

which also makes these feelings and thoughts hard to deal with because I don't know what my body needs, what my heart needs or what my mind needs. 

So, since I don't know what I need, I've turned off all social media on my phone. I know this is probably the exact opposite of what I should be doing, or what I need but I get clingy when I'm upset and then I get scared that I'm too much or annoying. 

With that, I'd rather be on my own.

I don't want to be feeling this way, I don't want to be thinking this way. 

And that is one misconception I hear a lot, "well, just think of something else", it's not that easy. These thoughts swarm, take up all the room and look like they're not moving. I have to fight my way out, and I have yet to lose... but sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have a little help, but then I don't know what help to ask for....

So, tonight, is a bad night but I'll be okay. It's just a bad spell, and it'll get better. The sun will rise tomorrow. 

Until then;

Let's Start

Hello, I don't know how many people or who is seeing this but I can hope that at some point...

 this reaches someone who needs it.

 Since this blog is going to get rather personal, I wanted to start by breaking through that first wall: who am I other than another person writing another mental health blog.

 This is a hard one because, well.... who am I? 

At this time, I'm a 28 year old small town girl who has sights on bigger things. I'm a teacher of littles, and sometimes wonder who's idea that was. I'm a psychology student, working on my masters which I will receive next year.

 There are so many things that define me:

 dancer, photographer, artist, lover, passionate... 

honestly, the list could go on forever, but the two things that people tend to push off to the side or forget about:

 I live with an emotional imbalance called Hypersensitivity as well as a mental "disorder" called Acute Stress Disorder.

I want to break each of those down and explain them in detail,

I'm sure that will take multiple posts within itself,

because I feel like maybe I can help someone understand, or feel less alone. 

I'm going to post about my attacks, my hard days, my good days, how I get through certain barriers, stigmas, coping mechanisms, my experiences and throw a few education based posts in there every once in awhile. 

(Please keep in mind that other than the education based ones - which will have references - everything is going to be based off of my own personal diagnosis, experiences and thoughts. These will not be true for everyone!)

My imbalance and "disorder" do not define me, but they are a part of who I am and it is important to acknowledge that. Some days are great, some I crash hard and hopefully... 

those hard days when I post, will reach someone who needs it too.

With this being a vulnerable place, I ask for love, support and respect for myself and for anyone who chooses to comment. If you would like me to go more in depth about a topic, whether I've talked about it here or it is something else you're interested (other mental/emotional disorders/imbalances or psychology topics or situational basis preferred) about, please comment and I will do my best to make a post about it. 

So, let's start;