"Let's Talk About $3X, Baby"

 ***** Disclaimer & Trigger Warning *****

This following blog is - in a roundabout way - about sex, so if you are not wanting to continue: don't. 
(Mom and dad, leave now, please)
I will also be talking about some harassment, abuse, assault, and the hated "r" word - not in detail, but there's a pretty heavy paragraph with some example. So as I have said before if you aren't wanting to read this, that's okay. Take care of yourself. If this is still a topic that you want to talk about but do not want to read this, message me/comment and we will talk privately. Thank you.

So, let's start: I will not be talking about my experiences (except for one, because I feel like it is important) and I will not be using a timeline or names. I am typing this post because I had a question sent to me about what it is like having HSP and Acute Stress Disorder when it comes to having a sex life and while I can't say if it is different than "normal" people, I can say that it can be hard, even when it is all you've known. 

I lost my virginity at 18/19 years old - while at college in Vegas because ya know... what happens there stays there? No, it is because I figured it would be a memorable thing, would help me feel better with my injury, and didn't really want to come back to Oregon still rocking the V-Card. It was a personal choice, there is nothing wrong with still holding your card, no matter your age, I just wanted to lose it to see what the big deal was.
There are different opinions on how I lost my V- Card though since it depends on each individual's definition of what counts - which is why I said 18/19. 

See before my birthday (so, when I was 18), I had a friend on campus who had never been with a girl so we figured we could be each other's first, and it really not be a big deal. We knew it was going to be terrible so, let's just get it over with. 

Well..... that proved to be a bit more difficult as he got a bit too nervous. 

So, we did just fool around and he had happened to have bought a *ehem* toy for the "special occasion" so that was used. 

Since there was penetration (bleh, hate that word), some people would consider that having been my first time. 

Kinda awkward and sucky.

Now, for actually having sex, it was after my birthday and right before I was moving back to Oregon. This will be the only person/experience I really kinda talk about since it was my "first" and I feel like it is a great example of how my HSP causes me to feel a connection and then makes it so I am unable to really let it go.

I ended up flirting with a guy who lived on my dorm floor who, I swear, every girl wanted a chance to be with.

(Let's just say I blushed and smiled anytime he and I were even in the same room. 

Eye contact? Forget about it!)

I definitely knew his name, but I was surprised he knew mine. After a night that is a story in itself, he and I exchanged numbers and in one of our conversations, I had told him that I wanted to sleep with someone from Vegas before I left - hinting, of course, while still in shock of who I was texting. Next thing I knew, we were setting something up.

(Though, after him and I hooked up... due to a mutual friend, everything got SUPER embarrassing in the days that followed. I couldn't wait to get out of the dorms. I did literally everything I could to avoid running into him before I left - including taking the stairs in my ankle book rather than taking the elevator.)

 While I'm not going to talk about what happened, I want to explain something about this experience. No, he and I were not dating. Like I said, I was shocked he even knew my name. We had only hung out maybe a handful of times before, and always with other people. I thought he was insanely attractive, and I thought I had never even caught his eye. So, why him? Because for some reason, though I barely knew him, I felt like I could still trust him with my life. There was instantly something there for some reason for me. I knew I wouldn't regret anything and that I'd be safe, and okay. Something about him made my HSP calm down, and to this day, I'm not sure I can explain it.

Now, here is why I felt like this was important:

I never let go of that connection or how calm he made me feel.

 While he and I were not together or had even dated, and I really wasn't sure if he even knew my name... there was a connection. It might have just been on my side, and I had no idea about his feeling or anything like that because I was too shy and nervous to ask. I wasn't going to tell him it had been my first time - though I'm sure he knew - and I didn't want to seem like that clingy "we slept together so now I love you" type of girl, especially since I was moving back to Oregon and what I felt at the time wasn't love. We were young, I barely knew him... how was I supposed to explain that I felt like there was something between us without there actually being anything between us?

Anyway, as I said, I never let go of that connection. I don't know if it was because he was my first or if it was something else, but since that day, I would find myself thinking of him and kind of missing him or at least missing talking to him. I would see him again when I went back to Vegas for my 21st, and from the minute I saw him until he dropped me back off at my friend's house where I was staying... I couldn't stop smiling.

So, why was it important for me to talk about this one time while I'm not really going to delve into the rest?

Because, at that time, I did not have my anxiety. I had my hypersensitivity and had just gone through a lot mentally and emotionally trying times on my own. I lost my virginity to someone I barely knew, but for some reason would have literally trusted with my entire life and that's perfectly okay. We were not in love, we weren't exactly friends and all of that was okay. But my HSP did come in to play due to the fact that even 2 years later when I saw him again, I still felt that connection. When he would text me after my 21st, because he had moved to Reno, I would feel that connection and seriously contemplate driving to Reno just to see him.  I know everyone says that they remember their first time and that the person will always have a part of you. But because of my HSP, it was more intense due to the instantaneous feelings from nothing to something while also not understanding a single lick of it. 

(Insert embarrassment here, as I suspect he is one of the people who read these every once in a while and I've never fully told him all of that... welp, there it is.) 

(If you want to skip the TW parts: skip this!)

But, moving on since the question wasn't just about my first time:

When I had moved back to Oregon, I had a few different experiences. Some were great, others were not. I had a period of time in my life where sex meant nothing but was a way to get an attractive guy's attention.

Terrible, I know. 

Definitely not my proudest moments.

It got to the point where sex meant so little to me past just getting a guy's attention that I was emotionally hurting because I felt like I wasn't good enough for anything else.

"Pretty enough to bang, not good enough for a relationship or to even introduce to mom" 

is what I would find myself saying. 

I went through a few times of being forced or persuaded into having sex, even after having said no. I had been told that if I didn't sleep with the guy I was dating, that he was going to go kill himself. I had been told that the guy was different and wasn't going to use me, but I woke up later that same week to find his relationship status updated on Facebook to "in a relationship" with someone else. I had been taken advantage of after drinking. I had someone who I thought loved me, tell me I wasn't good at certain things, that I wasn't pretty enough for certain positions and that I should just lay there since that's all I was good at. I had a guy continue after I have said "stop, it hurts". I had a guy pout because I had said: "no not tonight". I had been sexually harassed and assaulted after continuously saying no. I had been in a situation where a guy was in the process of raping me as I woke up after taking medications. I have been held down and not been given an option to say no. 

With all of that, you can imagine how my emotions were:

self-conscious, no confidence, disappointed in myself and hated myself

By this time, some of those experiences were after my diagnosis with my Acute Stress Disorder, so then my anxiety would play in of not being good enough, them not actually wanting me...

Every hurtful word I could say or think to and about myself, was playing on constant repeat in my head.

(You are now past the TW stuff)

As I got older and got more confidence in myself and in my body, I started having more positive sexual experiences.
I learned more about myself sexually, including likes, dislikes, and some kinks. I played around, researched and it made me even more confident in myself. I felt great. 

But with that, my HSP still plays a huge part and so here is a majority of my answer to the question:

With having a sex life, aftercare is incredibly important. Aftercare is the time after sex where the partners check in with one another - sometimes referred to as pillow talk - and acknowledge the other's needs. It is also a time for each person to listen to their own bodies (including emotionally and mentally) and fulfill their bodies' needs.

 Both having an aftercare ritual with your partner and having self aftercare. Emotional and mental drops are incredibly common, where your mood and mentality just plummet down and it almost feels like depression kicks in. 

These times really suck. 

They are very often talked about in a more kink community (usually referred to as sub drops or dom drops, pending the dynamic) but can happen to those who don't necessarily go through "scenes" as well - as in my case.  

With my emotional state and mentality being what it is, the time after sex is almost more important than the sex itself. My aftercare with a partner is mainly personal touch 

(cuddles, showering together, holding hands, rubbing my back, playing with my hair, fidgeting with me) and affirmation

 (not as in a "good game" type, but a reminder that I matter to the person. That they care about me/love me. Even just a "you're pretty"). 

These come from my HSP due to needing the positive reinforcement and being in an almost permanent state of being touch starved. 

My personal aftercare is usually writing, taking a bath and eating/drinking whatever my body is wanting. My personal aftercare is simply listening to my body. 

Now, not everyone experiences a drop right way - it is rare that I do, and if I do then I wasn't in the right place mentally or emotionally to have had the experience, to begin with. Commonly, my drops happen 2 to 3 days after and seems to really only be if my aftercare needs weren't fully met by my partner, for whatever reason. My mind triggers and wonders if I'm going back to sex not meaning anything or leaving a way for any form of abuse to happen again. I start to internalize everything which really hurts and isn't good for my Acute Stress Disorder. If my aftercare needs are met - then I will not experience a drop. 

So, to lay it out simply: 

My HSP and Acute Stress Disorder affect my sex life because it has made aftercare a huge need in my life. Knowing that the person cares about me because I refuse to go back to the abuse is one of the most important thing to me. I know the question was asked because the curiosity was probably if my HSP makes orgasms feel better or if my Acute Stress Disorder made it so I can't have sex in certain areas or the like. The answers to that are no. I have never known sex without my HSP so I don't know what an orgasm would feel like without it, and my Acute Stress Disorder only affects my sex life when I get triggered of my past abuse.

 If that happens, it causes me to shut down completely. 

I become quiet, avoid contact of any sort - touch, eye contact, anything that causes a connection. I will begin to fidget with something in an anxious way (usually a fidget toy or a hairband I keep on me). I'll say whatever I can to get out of the situation. 

Another thing I have gotten asked when it comes to my HSP and sex: no, I do not instantly feel a connection with everyone I have had a sexual experience with. 

In fact, having a sexual experience with some of the guys I have been with is what broke us up because there was no chemistry or connection at all once the clothes were off and I can talk about what it's like to lose a connection with someone in a different post 

(my HSP does make that kind of interesting). 

My HSP does not make me fall in love with every guy I get in bed with, nor does it make me cling to them, feel a connection with them or become needy to them. Yes, in some cases, one or more of these has happened but maybe only a handful of times.

(I can only think of 4 times that this was true - one obviously being my first, which is another reason why I thought it was important to talk about so that I had an example of how I am not really able to let those connections go, especially if the person is still a huge part of my life.)

The other thing to remember, since I've grown and learned, sex is only happening when I want it to. Therefore, my HSP is more on the positive side and my Acute Stress Disorder wouldn't be triggered. Though, is why aftercare is important. To keep everything on the positive side and avoiding the drop that causes my HSP and Acute Stress Disorder to become hyperactive. 

Hopefully, that answers the question without being too detailed and awkward? I don't know. I feel like I was driving around a round-about after talking about my first experience... so if there are more questions about any of this, please let me know! I've seen such an increase in my readers here, and I promise, I read through every message I get and make notes of the questions I get asked. Sometimes, it just takes me a bit to figure out how I'm going to answer. 

Until I can think of a way to make it make more sense;

*SCHOOL PAPER* Acute Stress Disorder

 

It's Just Stress

Emotional strain, tension, pressure... to put it simply: stress. Every human being and creature knows some form of stress, on all different levels. An infant gets stressed out when they are hungry, so they begin to cry. A teenager gets stressed out with trying to fit in, so they argue with their parents. Adults get stressed out so they possibly drink a glass of wine or opens a beer to go with their dinner. Every human being feels stress, but some individual's life with a form of a stress disorder such as post-traumatic stress disorder – often abbreviated as PTSD - or a lesser condition from the same family: acute stress disorder.

What is Acute Stress Disorder?

Acute stress disorder is often diagnosed in an individual after that person has experienced or has even witnessed a terrifying or traumatic event, such as assault, a car accident, fires, floods, or even being diagnosed with a different life threatening diagnosis, such as terminal cancer. While many people may live through these traumatic events or news, anywhere from 5 to 20 percent of people end up diagnosed with acute stress disorder after having experienced the trauma. The diagnosis of acute stress disorder usually includes a diagnosis of anxiety and depression, as well. It is possible to diagnose an individual with acute stress disorder as quickly as three days after the individual began experiencing any of the symptoms that are caused by stress hormones – such as epinephrine - that was triggered by the trauma experienced.

When looking at acute stress disorder, it is common to see similarities to post-traumatic stress disorder as they are in the same trauma stress disorder family for diagnosis and it is theorized that if acute stress disorder continues to affect the life of the individual, it will progress into PTSD. This does not always happen, but is not impossible as both are trauma based conditions and takes a DSM 5 diagnostic. This is where paying attention to some of the symptoms is important so that the acute stress disorder can be diagnosed early on before it possibly progresses into PTSD. Some of these symptoms could be chest pain, stomach pain, palpitations, experiencing difficulty breathing, unusual sweating, consistent headaches, and nausea – though some individual's will experience different symptoms, it is usual for symptoms to begin as quickly as minutes after the trauma occurred to a few days or weeks after the adrenaline has calmed down. It is also possible for individuals to experience more internal and psychological symptoms such as arousal, over arousal, avoidance, displacement or dissociation, intrusion -commonly as nightmares or flashbacks- and an overall negative or pessimistic mood.

To treat acute stress disorder or at minimum, stop it from progressing into PTSD, a doctor will usually recommend one of three treatments: cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness or medications. The first recommendation is usually going to be cognitive behavioral therapy – or CBT – which would involve the individual working with a mental health professional with the goal of creating and practicing coping mechanisms for the individual to use in times of high stress or while experiencing a flashback. This is often seen as the individual seeing a psychologist or counselor. Mindfulness may be the second recommendation if the individual feels like meditation and breathing exercises would be enough to help them feel better. These are all intervention techniques to help the individual manage their stress and anxiety. Medications would be the third recommendation, which would include the individual talking to their doctor about the different antidepressants or anticonvulsants the doctor recommends and what the individual feels comfortable taking. The medication route would be more trial and error as it takes time to find the right medication and get the right dosage – if more than one is offered, such as with Lexapro - for the individual.

What in the Neuroscience

With acute stress disorder being a stress disorder, it is easy to say that it causes changes in the neurochemical system as well as changes in different regions of the individual's brain. It is easy to say this, because these effects are seen when an individual is living with chronic stress, so it is likely to see the same response when the individual lives with a stress disorder. These changes can become long term and affect how the brain responds during times of high stress. The primarily important and more affected regions of the brain are the hippocampus, the amygdala and the medial prefrontal cortex . In these changes, it is theorized that either too much or not enough cortisol and norepinephprine are being transmitted through the brain and body of the individual. These are the two neurochemical systems that play very important roles in an individual's stress response during heightened times.

Cortisol is a steroid type hormone that is primarily responsible for regulating a mass majority of the processes that happen throughout an individual's body – such as the immune response and the body's metabolism. Cortisol also plays a huge helping hand in how the body responds to stress and trauma and is created in the body's adrenal glands. Norepinephrine – sometimes referred to as noradrenaline – is also created in the adrenal glands but is a neurotransmitter that helps the body send messages and signals across the nerve endings throughout the body. Norepinephrine is responsible for an increase in the individual's heart rate and for the blood pumping from the heart when the individual is experiencing stress or adrenaline.

Stress, What is it Good For?

While every person experiences stress, it does not make it more fun, just relate-able and easier for other individual's to empathize. Add an imbalance of cortisol and norepinephrine, and it becomes less likely for other individual's to really understand the extremity of the individual's experience and what they go through in their day to day lives while living with a stress disorder that has caused actual changes in their brain. The first step to living with acute stress disorder is noticing the signs and getting help. This can be the hardest for people who have lived through different traumas, but as with anything that involves the brain, we have to face it head on.

Acute Stress Disorder. (2019, October 11). Retrieved August 10, 2020, from https://www.stress.org/acute-stress-disorder

Bremner J. D. (2006). Traumatic stress: effects on the brain. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 8(4), 445–461.

Bryant, R. A. (2018). The Current Evidence for Acute Stress Disorder. Current Psychiatry Reports, 20(12), 111. https://doi-org.proxy-library.ashford.edu/10.1007/s11920-018-0976-x

Dai, W., Liu, A., Kaminga, A. C., Deng, J., Lai, Z., Yang, J., & Wen, S. W. (2018). Prevalence of acute stress disorder among road traffic accident survivors: A meta-analysis. BMC Psychiatry, 18. https://doi-org.proxy-library.ashford.edu/10.1186/s12888-018-1769-9

Imran, N., Aamer, I., Sharif, M. I., Bodla, Z. H., & Naveed, S. (2020). Psychological burden of quarantine in children and adolescents: A rapid systematic review and proposed solutions. Pakistan Journal of Medical Sciences, 36(5), 1106–1116. https://doi-org.proxy- library.ashford.edu/10.12669/pjms.36.5.3088

Lenferink, L. I. M., Egberts, M. R., Kullberg, M.-L., Meentken, M. G., Zimmermann, S., Mertens, Y. L., Schuurmans, A. A. T., Sadeh, Y., Kassam-Adams, N., & Krause-Utz, A. (2020). Latent classes of DSM-5 acute stress disorder symptoms in children after single-incident trauma: Findings from an international data archive. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 11(1). https://doi-org.proxy-library.ashford.edu/10.1080/20008198.2020.1717156

Ophuis, R. H., Olij, B. F., Polinder, S., & Haagsma, J. A. (2018). Prevalence of post-traumatic stress disorder, acute stress disorder and depression following violence related injury treated at the emergency department: A systematic review. BMC Psychiatry, 18. https://doi-org.proxy- library.ashford.edu/10.1186/s12888-018-1890-9

Valid

I had to explain myself and my anxiety yesterday and though some of the looks made me feel invalid, it reminded me how much I have survived. 

Here is the thing, no matter if you feel the need or want to explain yourself, you're feelings are still valid. 

What you have been through is still valid. 

I have worked really hard in order to feel comfortable talking about my mental health and some of the experiences that have put me where I am today, this strength, confidence, and comfort with myself took years to build. 

Think about it: 

I was diagnosed with my HSP at age 12, and my ASD when I was 21...

 I'm almost 29 years old 

and have just been open to everyone who asks as of the middle of last year. 

I am valid,

my experiences are valid

 my mental health is valid 

and my feelings are valid. 

I went through things, everyone does. Would some say my things are more intense, yeah... probably, but that might just be because they don't feel valid in their experiences... or haven't had any experiences to where my experiences are relatable. 

I downplay my experiences, and I know that. 

I was in two car accidents where I was told by professionals on sight that I was lucky to be walking away from the scene. I can tell my memories from these accidents, not necessarily with a smile on my face, but with very little emotion on my face and even less in my voice. I have grown used to my experiences, and those who I share them with have not. Me being able to speak my truth does not make my experiences less valid. 

The looks that I got made me feel like I was overreacting. 

I was being pestered to wear a face shield instead of a mask because masks muffle my voice while I'm singing. I have said

 "no, thank you"

 previously and was starting to get annoyed by getting asked every time I was around these people, so I explained:

Wearing the face shield causes me to panic. During my first car accident, the first image I have is seeing my windshield out of the corner of my eye - my peripheral vision - the windshield was shattered. I remember thinking 

"how is it still intact, but shattered? How is there not glass everywhere". 

Well, seeing the edge of the plastic face shield triggers something in my brain to see the cracks in my windshield. I begin to panic and get very anxious. So I opt to wear a cloth mask. I know if muffles my voice, but it protects my mental health which I think is more important than how I sound singing in church. 
The looks told me I was overreacting, and I thought about it my whole drive home. But then I remembered...

I am valid,

my experiences are valid

 my mental health is valid 

and my feelings are valid. 

Until mental health doesn't have to fight to be valid;

How's Your Heart

I'm checking in:

How's your heart lately?

Write it down. Scream it out. Dance the feelings.

My heart is hurting a lot, but it's full at the same time. 

One minute I'm okay, the next I'm hurting and wanting to cry. 

 It's a confusing time in the world and in my personal life. 

I've started walking every night, except Sundays. I'm trying to get hard school work done by Friday and I'm trying to excel and think positively with work. I'm trying to give myself Sundays off to spend with family - or friends. 

Some people say the world gives you what you give to it...

 which is much like myself...

though I'm not sure I fully believe this 

since I try to give love and positivity to the world and

 here I am...

 I treat people how I want to be treated, and when you treat me differently, I'll treat you how you treat me. I guess the moral of the thought is to be kind to those around you, 

to yourself,

 and to the world. 

We're all struggling through our own stories, some of us are struggling silently as we are the rocks for others, but even rocks start to crack under enough pressure.

Check-in on your friends, the world is a strange and scary place full of a lot of emotions...

Until someone else checks in;

Attachment

One of the worst parts of feeling so deeply is the attachment problems that come with it... 

Oh, you wanna be friends? 

Guess what, we're best friends now and I will text you ALL the time. 

Oh, you give me any form of attention?

Yeah, you have all my attention now.

You text me every day and then randomly don't one day?

3 panic attacks and a melt down later, I'll passive aggressively tell you it's fine.

It's not a trust issue, its an attachment issue.

Due to feeling so deeply, I trust nearly instantly. It isn't something that has to be earned in my life, it is something that is instantly given. But, also since I feel so deeply, I attach myself to people very easily. Friends, I make easily. 

Relationships were so easy for me to lose because I'm too much of everything. 

Too clingy

Too talkative

Too caring

Too everything

Too much

It makes everything hard because I sit, and I wait for someone to notice me. I wait until someone notices that I didn't message them today, so then they reach out 

but that doesn't happen.

Then I feel hurt, unimportant, annoying and like a burden.

I notice small things in conversations and I notice when those things change and I will over analyze all of the reasons as to why it possibly changed. If you normally call me a nickname, and then stop... I'll wonder why. If you normally say you love me, or miss me... and then stop.... each day that passes and it goes unsaid, I'll distance myself more and more. 
It's hard because I want to be attached, but I also show people how I will treat them first, then after something happens, I treat them how they treat me and it kills me because I want to be attached, but I can't be. 
My heart is in constant pain because I have always wanted to just be attached to those in my life no matter if it was family, relationships or friends and the minute I felt pushed away, I didn't try anymore because what was the point? Easier to break my own heart rather than wait for someone else to do it, I guess....

But let me tell you, it hurts.

"I just want someone who wont get annoyed when I text them six times 

or IN ALL CAPS. 

Someone I can go on long drives with while blasting music and singing as loud as we can.

Someone I can eat pizza with at 2 a.m. and cuddle at 6 p.m.

Someone who chooses me everyday and never stops to think twice about it."

Until my heart stops hurting;

Abandonment

"This is what it's like to have a fear of abandonment...

for anybody who wants to know...

I get attached way too f***ing easily,

I always want to cling to people so they don't leave but I'm too scared to be clingy because that pushes people away,

if someone takes a long time to respond I think they're either ignoring me or are mad at me because I did something wrong...

if they don't respond I cry.

Separation anxiety.

I always try to please everyone all the time,

and when I do make someone upset I apologize like 87 thousand times because I'm scared that they'll be mad at me forever"

No matter how many times you are left, 

it doesn't get easier.

Yeah... I wish it would too....

The moment something is okay, you start looking for signs that it's not. You read into the small things and notice every subtle change. That's life with being hypersensitive. I notice all the small inconsistencies. The change in tone, use of words, body language... I see the signs when someone is about to leave my life and even though I feel like I get months of preparation due to seeing the signs...

it doesn't get easier.

Sometimes, I wish I was wrong and that someone... just anyone... would stay but they don't. I'm too much and I know that. I'm too much for people to want to deal with because I'm independent but dependent. I notice the small things and they upset me because I know sooner or later, they're going to be big things. 

All of this hit home for some of you? 

It doesn't get easier.

No matter how many people walk out of your life, no matter how many times you give your heart away, break down your walls and let people in....

it doesn't get easier.

Oh man, do I wish it did.

Until something gets easier; 

Back Burner Depression

I've been in a weird headspace lately. 

Some days I wake up and feel ready to take on the world,

 like I'm strong enough to take on anything... 

then other days,

 I don't want to get out of bed and just want to cry. 

What have I been doing to combat this?

 I've been forcing myself to get dressed, do some sort of hair and makeup and try to leave the house.  I've been going to the park, to soak in the sun, eat and read a book 

Usually a psychology book...

Because I'm weird and that's my enjoyment reading

(Currently: The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron)

I only allow myself one day a week to let my depression win.

Because it is actually okay to feel your depression, live with it, acknowledge it, and have a day.

But it is important to not get stuck there.

 Let it have a day or two of your life, then get up and take your life back.

It'll be hard but

YOU CAN DO IT.

Because here's the thing, there's no cure to mental health. There's things that can help, and that's great - work to find what works best for you - but this is who you are... 

who I am.

My acute stress disorder and hypersensitivity are not going anywhere. I will have them for the rest of my life and that's okay.

Acknowledging mental health is okay. It is important. 

Until we normalize mental health;