How's Your Heart

I'm checking in:

How's your heart lately?

Write it down. Scream it out. Dance the feelings.

My heart is hurting a lot, but it's full at the same time. 

One minute I'm okay, the next I'm hurting and wanting to cry. 

 It's a confusing time in the world and in my personal life. 

I've started walking every night, except Sundays. I'm trying to get hard school work done by Friday and I'm trying to excel and think positively with work. I'm trying to give myself Sundays off to spend with family - or friends. 

Some people say the world gives you what you give to it...

 which is much like myself...

though I'm not sure I fully believe this 

since I try to give love and positivity to the world and

 here I am...

 I treat people how I want to be treated, and when you treat me differently, I'll treat you how you treat me. I guess the moral of the thought is to be kind to those around you, 

to yourself,

 and to the world. 

We're all struggling through our own stories, some of us are struggling silently as we are the rocks for others, but even rocks start to crack under enough pressure.

Check-in on your friends, the world is a strange and scary place full of a lot of emotions...

Until someone else checks in;

Attachment

One of the worst parts of feeling so deeply is the attachment problems that come with it... 

Oh, you wanna be friends? 

Guess what, we're best friends now and I will text you ALL the time. 

Oh, you give me any form of attention?

Yeah, you have all my attention now.

You text me every day and then randomly don't one day?

3 panic attacks and a melt down later, I'll passive aggressively tell you it's fine.

It's not a trust issue, its an attachment issue.

Due to feeling so deeply, I trust nearly instantly. It isn't something that has to be earned in my life, it is something that is instantly given. But, also since I feel so deeply, I attach myself to people very easily. Friends, I make easily. 

Relationships were so easy for me to lose because I'm too much of everything. 

Too clingy

Too talkative

Too caring

Too everything

Too much

It makes everything hard because I sit, and I wait for someone to notice me. I wait until someone notices that I didn't message them today, so then they reach out 

but that doesn't happen.

Then I feel hurt, unimportant, annoying and like a burden.

I notice small things in conversations and I notice when those things change and I will over analyze all of the reasons as to why it possibly changed. If you normally call me a nickname, and then stop... I'll wonder why. If you normally say you love me, or miss me... and then stop.... each day that passes and it goes unsaid, I'll distance myself more and more. 
It's hard because I want to be attached, but I also show people how I will treat them first, then after something happens, I treat them how they treat me and it kills me because I want to be attached, but I can't be. 
My heart is in constant pain because I have always wanted to just be attached to those in my life no matter if it was family, relationships or friends and the minute I felt pushed away, I didn't try anymore because what was the point? Easier to break my own heart rather than wait for someone else to do it, I guess....

But let me tell you, it hurts.

"I just want someone who wont get annoyed when I text them six times 

or IN ALL CAPS. 

Someone I can go on long drives with while blasting music and singing as loud as we can.

Someone I can eat pizza with at 2 a.m. and cuddle at 6 p.m.

Someone who chooses me everyday and never stops to think twice about it."

Until my heart stops hurting;

Abandonment

"This is what it's like to have a fear of abandonment...

for anybody who wants to know...

I get attached way too f***ing easily,

I always want to cling to people so they don't leave but I'm too scared to be clingy because that pushes people away,

if someone takes a long time to respond I think they're either ignoring me or are mad at me because I did something wrong...

if they don't respond I cry.

Separation anxiety.

I always try to please everyone all the time,

and when I do make someone upset I apologize like 87 thousand times because I'm scared that they'll be mad at me forever"

No matter how many times you are left, 

it doesn't get easier.

Yeah... I wish it would too....

The moment something is okay, you start looking for signs that it's not. You read into the small things and notice every subtle change. That's life with being hypersensitive. I notice all the small inconsistencies. The change in tone, use of words, body language... I see the signs when someone is about to leave my life and even though I feel like I get months of preparation due to seeing the signs...

it doesn't get easier.

Sometimes, I wish I was wrong and that someone... just anyone... would stay but they don't. I'm too much and I know that. I'm too much for people to want to deal with because I'm independent but dependent. I notice the small things and they upset me because I know sooner or later, they're going to be big things. 

All of this hit home for some of you? 

It doesn't get easier.

No matter how many people walk out of your life, no matter how many times you give your heart away, break down your walls and let people in....

it doesn't get easier.

Oh man, do I wish it did.

Until something gets easier; 

Back Burner Depression

I've been in a weird headspace lately. 

Some days I wake up and feel ready to take on the world,

 like I'm strong enough to take on anything... 

then other days,

 I don't want to get out of bed and just want to cry. 

What have I been doing to combat this?

 I've been forcing myself to get dressed, do some sort of hair and makeup and try to leave the house.  I've been going to the park, to soak in the sun, eat and read a book 

Usually a psychology book...

Because I'm weird and that's my enjoyment reading

(Currently: The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron)

I only allow myself one day a week to let my depression win.

Because it is actually okay to feel your depression, live with it, acknowledge it, and have a day.

But it is important to not get stuck there.

 Let it have a day or two of your life, then get up and take your life back.

It'll be hard but

YOU CAN DO IT.

Because here's the thing, there's no cure to mental health. There's things that can help, and that's great - work to find what works best for you - but this is who you are... 

who I am.

My acute stress disorder and hypersensitivity are not going anywhere. I will have them for the rest of my life and that's okay.

Acknowledging mental health is okay. It is important. 

Until we normalize mental health;