What Am I Going to do Better

Every night I ask myself 

"what am I going to do better tomorrow" 

and every morning I ask

 "what was the good in yesterday". 

I haven't been sleeping well, I feel like everyone wants to argue with me and very few people are listening to actually listen,

 not just respond.

 I hit a brick wall a few days ago, I hit my boiling point and I went back to my dark place. 

My dark place makes me seem like I'm cold, don't care and

 just am a space holder in the world rather than 

taking up and owning my space and taking up all that space.

Since I've been in my dark place, things seem to just keep hitting harder. I take things more to heart, I feel worse about myself and am insanely self-aware of how annoying I am. 

I start to wonder... 

how do I have friends?

Is this why no one reaches out to me?

Why would anyone want to be around me? 

But last night, a little boy, who has had my heart from the day we met, had to tell me he loves me before he went to sleep and today a different little boy, who has reminded me that patience and understanding are essential, told me that I was beautiful. 

So my change for tomorrow is to see myself through those kids eyes

 and my good today was how pure children are.

Until I see myself how children do;

Not Everyone Has the Same Heart

One thing that is really hard with being a highly sensitive person, is understanding other people who are "normal"... because to me, they are less "normal" than myself. 

With this, I get my feelings hurt, get disappointed and get let down pretty often because I feel like I go above and beyond for people in my life and when that isn't reciprocated

it really hurts.

One day I was talking to my counselor about this and she told me

"don't expect yourself out of other"

I was upset at this at first because I happily encourage everyone to embrace their individuality, but then it clicked. I do wonder, if I'm willing to do all of this for someone, why doesn't it even cross their mind to do it for me? and there it is. It's because they aren't me. They don't have my heart, compassion, empathy and consideration. 

This has been something that I've really had to work on, and honestly, I still don't understand it and it still really hurts and upsets me when the situations arise. Consideration is something I was taught really young. If you're the first person awake, you try to be as quiet as you can be as to not wake everyone else in the house, if you're cooking food you make enough to share... if someone's using something, you wait your turn. 

With this, I always offer up my time to others. I'll go out of my way to take everyone else into consideration. Such as, I text my neighbor every time I leave my house, asking if her and her husband need anything. Every time I bake, I leave some on her doorstep and text her letting her know its there. If I'm getting food, I talk to everyone in my household to see if they want anything. I don't ask for money, I don't ask for help... and I never ask for it as an IOU but yet...

it still hurts when it isn't reciprocated. 

I'm not sure this will be something I ever learn to be okay with, honestly. I think even if I get better at hiding the hurt, its still going to hurt because I know what I do for others and for them to not have that same consideration towards me tells me that I don't mean as much to them. 

I don't have the same heart as others, mine is huge and is plastered right there on my sleeve. It gets easily trampled and yet I keep putting it back together and putting it back on my sleeve just hoping that each time is going to be different. I'll always do this, it's who I am. I just need to remember....

not everyone has the same heart.

 

Until next time;

I'm Not Looking For Answers

For me, personally, the absolute worst part about anxiety isn't the panic attacks, the fear, the doubt or anything about the anxiety itself.

You learn to live, deal and cope with all of that.

No, the worst part about anxiety is that people tell you to reach out when you're having a hard time, and then when you reach out and all you need is someone to talk to...

they try to fix it

they try to give you answers

they try to end the anxiety

sometimes all that is needed is someone to talk to about a different subject other than what's making me anxious. Sometimes all I want is for someone to listen while I vent. Sometimes I'm just reaching out so that someone in my world knows I'm not doing okay. 

I don't need fixed

I don't need answers

I have my anxiety and it isn't going anywhere.

I don't need someone trying to figure me, my panic attacks or my anxiety out. I have gone to counselors, and I first went to a psychologist when I was 12 years old and then again 

to the same psychologist

at 21 years old after I developed my Acute Stress Disorder. I know my anxiety very well. I have worked very hard on how to live with it in my daily life. I know how to manage it and I know what to do when I have my panic attacks. I know what works for me. I am not reaching out for someone to try and take it all away. I am reaching out to have someone to talk to because

the worst feeling is 

feeling alone when coming out of a panic attack.

There is nothing like becoming grounded again, looking around and realizing there is no one...

So, first thing I usually do is grab my phone and I text the last person I was talking to. Sometimes, if I know them well enough, I'll tell them I had a panic attack. I have only met one person who doesn't instantly try to fix it in some way and I absolutely hate it. 

It's been a hard day;